Alcoholism, War and God

It started 5.5 years ago.

"These are his last days. He has 6 - 12 months at most. He is lucky to be alive. You need to cherish your last days with him."

My Father-in-Law suffers from alcoholism. 5.5 years ago was when he was admitted to hospital - and it was life-threatening.

The diagnosis was dire. There was internal bleeding and his body was shutting down.

Throughout this year, he would be admitted another 2-3 times. 

They told him to stop drinking. He couldn't. Old habits die hard. 

For the last 5.5 years, rinse and repeat.

In the last few years, his admittance to the hospital increased to around 4-5 times.

Each time, we're told; "it's the last time".

And he pulls through.

There was one time when he was in ICU for almost 3 weeks. At one stage, declared brain dead and incoherent. 

He escaped death.

It was a miracle.

His will to escape death is remarkable.

He literally is the human manifestation of the cat that has 9 lives

However, this takes a toll - especially on his family.

It's a sad, upsetting, confusing, and all-around bitter and painful situation. 

I remember one time when they were certain he would transition.

All the arrangements for the funeral had been organised. My mother-in-law and I were sitting in the hospital waiting area.

I held my hand mother-in-law's hand. She looked at me and said, "I can't wait to be free. He is the most selfish and inconsiderate human being - I've given him everything and he has taken so much of my life. I can't wait to be free and finally live my life."

That was 3 years ago during that time he was in ICU. She didn't expect him to survive. 

I feel for her. There is so much resentment and bitterness. She is so trapped by her own "obligations" and "being a good Asian girl". 

Truth is - he never took her freedom away.

She gave it away.

She gave her power away to her belief systems and what she held as sacred; "The obedient good little Asian girl, that is Catholic, and you don't get divorced in the name of your culture and religion."

The other thing I learned from this experience is that it's not "alcoholism" that ruins families.

It's the parent's inability to meet their demons and bury themselves in denial that passes on pain.

Gambling. Family secrets. Drugs. Alcohol. Molestation. Violence. These are all symptoms. 

So where are we today with my Father-in-law?

In September 2021, we were told he has Stage IV Lung Cancer. Life expectancy of 4-6 months.

It's 10 months since the diagnosis.

He just got readmitted to the hospital. 3rd or 4th time this year (in 6 months!). I actually can't remember.

We went to visit him today. 

I often think, "Who is going to speak at his funeral? And what will his eulogy be like?"

John's close friend once said; "Well he is definitely NOT winning the father of the year award!"

I once had a discussion with John, "Do you think your dad was a great role model on how to be a man? And what are you proud of with him?"

Silence. Followed with... "It's really sad however I can't say there is anything."

And John, out of the 3 children is the closest to his father.  

My Father-in-Law, yes he went through war, yes there was trauma, and yes there were bad things he experienced.

However - when he was given the chance for a new start, his Mind couldn't let go.

The war wasn't happening in Australia. He wasn't being attacked in Australia.

AND he was living as though there was a war each and every day.

He enmeshed himself with an "identity" of "I AM WAR" versus "I experienced war".

I can't imagine what he went through and - when you have children, let's talk truth.

You're responsible for healing that suffering.

I can't begin to tell you how many children of parents who experienced war feel they owe their life to their parents.

That the "sacrifice" their parents made is a "debt" that they will forever be in for the rest of their lives.

Your parents chose to have you. You were a gift to them. NO child owes their life to their parents.

Feeling you "owe" your life to your parents, that's one of the most toxic and unhealthy generational patterns that we pass down. 

AND... if you feel like you "owe" your life to your parents and you're a parent, chances are you feel like your children owe you and you "own" them. That's how expectations haunt your life. 

Today, the doctors said, "We think he is in his final stages. Spend as much time as you can with him..."

It's like the boy who cried wolf. The family are tired. John's been running on this stress about his father's impending transition for 5.5 years.

The saddest part is that my Father-in-Law has an insatiable will to be alive... and yet when he was given the chance, he would sabotage it and go back on the drink or not make the most of it.

For the last 5.5 years, he just did more of the same. Nothing changed. 

John had wished that the "grandchildren" could give him purpose and a new lease on life.

My father-in-law's "dying wish" was that John and I baptise Avery and Brooklyn. 

"Do it for me while I'm alive. I want them to know God and go to church."

My Father-in-Law went to church every Sunday.

Little did he know that God wasn't outside of him and going to church to pray and then living your life outside of that 1 hour on a Sunday with little honour of "life" isn't living a life where one knows God.

If my Father-in-Law truly believed in God, 5.5 years ago would have been his wake-up call.

The intention in sharing this story is this.

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WELL-BEING OF YOUR LIFE AND MAKING IT A PRIORITY. 

There is NOTHING more important than loving on you if you're a parent. NOTHING.

Every time you betray yourself, every time you abandon yourself, every time you choose to indulge in running away from your pain and avoiding your demons - someone pays.

If it's not you, it will be your children. This isn't a guilt trip. This isn't to shame you.

This is YOUR WAKE-UP CALL.

You living sub-par and mediocre, and just "surviving"... That's not good enough. 

One of the biggest heartaches for children is watching their parents be consumed with self-betrayal, self-abandonment, and a lack of self-love.

I know you know EXACTLY what I mean. You witnessed it in your parents. 

Don't have your children, be a younger version of you.

Only this time, you are the parent that your child wishes, would love their life.

Parenting is hard because it requires so much self-love and self-care.

....And that includes attending to and taking care of our wounds.

Sending love,

Yummii xx