Anxiety, Depression and Grief

My father-in-law took his last breath at 8:30 am July 15th 2022.

John loved his father and they weren't close either.

5 and a half years ago, John, Avery and I were on our way to celebrate our anniversary.

We get a call... "Dad's not going to make it. He has internal bleeding, and it's dire."

We turn the car around immediately and head to the hospital.

When we arrive, the doctors took all the family into the room to "break" the news.

"This body is shutting down, there are holes in his oesophagus, his liver isn't functioning. He will be lucky to get through this... I'm sorry."

That was 5 and a half years ago.

It wasn't the one isolated incident.

His decline was based on alcohol.

He would be released from the hospital after a near-death experience, come back home, start drinking, and then get readmitted to the hospital.

Every time it was a dire diagnosis.

He survived it all.

However, it was also the turning point for my husband John.

I could see John shifting.

His anxiety getting louder... The anxiety he didn't even know he had.

I didn't know what was shifting in him in terms of connection and parenting.

He was struggling.

Before I met him, his nickname was "AJ".

His friends knew him as "AJ - Angry John".

And when John and I got together, his friends would joke, "What happened to AJ??!"

I really had no idea what they were talking about... Until around 2 and a half years ago.

The rage and anger started coming to the surface.

I started getting curious.

I grew up with a father that never smiled. He told me that smiling was weak. I also got in trouble for laughing.

Rage and anger weren't something that I knew how to navigate and would go into a Fawn, Flight or Freeze response.

So when this started happening in our family home.. and knowing what I know... instead of running... Which was my default...I leaned it.

You see, two and a half years ago. Brooklyn was about to enter Earthside.

John's dad was in the hospital. Once again, a dire situation.

His mother kept calling... "Dad's not going to make it... You need to be here!"

His unborn 2nd child needed more regular checkups than normal because the movements while in utero had stopped one evening.

John had to choose. To be with me or to be with his dad.

He chose me.

And I noticed he started becoming withdrawn, more easily agitated... And maybe this was a snippet of the AJ that his friends all spoke about.

I traced back to when I started noticing a shift.

John has been holding his breath for the last five and a half years...

The grieving process for his father started 5 and a half years ago...

The entire family has been in this stressful state for 5 and a half years.

Earlier this year, I asked John, "Do you think you have depression?"

You see, I know the signs. I know them well...Especially when you're high-functioning and depressed.

He said..."Yeah, maybe... And I didn't know".

There's one thing to have gone through depression yourself and gotten to the other side.

It's really another thing to hold space for it all.

There's one thing to learn for myself what is needed to navigate through this.

And it's another holding space to allow John, love John and give him compassion and grace as he finds his way.

.... The hardest part of holding space, allowing them to be, not take it personally, and holding them accountable to a greater vision for their life.

Grief is a beast.

John started grieving for his father while his father was still physically there.

It's as though he was holding his breath and hasn't been able to exhale for 5 and a half years.

That's a lot of adrenaline, cortisol, and stress.

The family has been through a lot.

And these are the moments where you lean on Love and are required to let Love in.

Only Love can guide you.

If you haven't been taught how to receive, if you haven't been taught to feel it's safe to Love, the grief will grip you.

And, if you're the one holding space and you don't Love yourself or have a powerful relationship with the truth of who you are... You'll get triggered and make it mean something about you.

I held John's hand this morning....squeezed it really hard... And reminded him, I'm here for you.

And we're going to get through this together.

... So...This is a reminder of why we do the healing work.

To know how to Love. This includes giving Love in a way that another can receive it and receiving Love in a way that the person who is giving feels expansive.

And to know how to guide each other to feel safe to give and receive Love from one another.

Because it's easy to Love when things are going great.

It takes extraordinary energy to Love when chaos comes to visit.

... And the purpose of Love is to heal and to expand into the truth of who we truly are.

Sending love,
Yummii xx

PS You know when it's Love, when it's healing.