Are we on the same team?
The most common question and most prominent challenge that I get asked is; "I'm on this path of conscious parenting...And my partner isn't. How do we make this work?"
This past weekend I had the honour of presenting a masterclass; "Parenting from Spirit" as part of The Seven Sisters Online Festival (The largest women's wellness festival in the Southern Hemisphere - which was virtual this year!).
A beautiful participant asked this question. "What if I'm a conscious parent, and my partner isn't?".
It's soo common. Especially for those of us, that understand; "If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people that didn't cut you.".... And... not all of us are ready to "heal the hurt.".
Underneath the question is this desire, "I want us to thrive as parents - and I don't think my partner is. I am also worried they are passing on unconscious wounds to our child... AND I want them to be free and liberated from their upbringing. I want us to find JOY together as parents, and as a couple."
There may even be a concern that your partner will face the potential future of an estranged relationship or disconnection with your child... or you're really at odds with parenting, and you're both feeling extremely disconnected...And, what if this means the end of the relationship?!
Research says that marital satisfaction declines when you have children. The more children you have, there is an increased chance of feeling disappointed with your connection as a couple.
On the surface, you may think it's because of the children.
The root cause - the lack of connection with each other. Remembering, upholding, and guarding; "We're on the same team."
When we aren't on the same team, we're doing "parenting" on our own. We are in survival.
When we are on the same team, there is a knowingness that we're here for each other, and we're navigating the challenges together.
Being on the same team requires a willingness to be vulnerable with each other.
Parenting brings up "stuff" from our childhood.
No child walks around, deliberately wanting to trigger their parents. If you could just take a moment, and really "tune into your child" - do you think they want to be bad or do you think they are having a hard time?
And.. do you think when they are emotionally stuck, they want to annoy you OR could it be that the discomfort of the emotion is something they have yet learnt how to navigate?
...So the trigger is a mirror to bringing attention to the trauma that is within our hearts.
It is the "thing" that we judge within ourselves, that we suppress within ourselves, and the thing that we have yet accepted or be able to let-go.
In healing trauma, it takes courage and vulnerability.
What does this have to do with "being on the same team?".
You're both parents. You're both going to get triggered. Are you going to be there to support each other and face the wounds together? Are you going to help each other navigate this?
And... do you have a common and shared vision of Parenting?
What does this even mean?!... Basically, do you want the same thing from Parenting?...and are you both aligned when it comes to what being a Parent means?
There are two ways in which to a parent - either from Fear or Love - have you both supported each other on consciously choosing and making a commitment to be aligned to parenting from Love?
In entering into Parenting, you both signed up for a marathon. Have you ever stopped to check in whether you both signed up for the same marathon?!
When it comes to "healing our hurt" - we can't force this journey.... and how we travel this journey is all dependent on our connection with each other.
All we can do is create a safe space and hold ourselves to the energy of Love - so that when our partner is ready, they know we are here and travelling this path with them.
It also requires courage—the courage to ask questions and be curious about our partner's world.
Here's a start - ask each other; "Why did you want to become a parent? - Why motherhood? Why fatherhood?"... Let's get curious on "WHY" we wanted to become parents.
The journey on returning to Love (which is the basis of using Parenting as a healing and transformative journey) cannot be forced.... and it is heavily reliant on the extent to which we feel seen, heard, and understood by the one we love.
Our children are seeking to be seen, heard, and understood by us. So are our partners.
My invitation is this - Make some time to connect. Just like you would have a "financial date" and check in on your finances... check in with each other on Parenting.
Here are some questions to ignite and create more connection by understanding each other when it comes to the world of Parenting:
- On a scale of 1-10; how joyful are you finding parenting right now?
- Do you enjoy parenting with me? Why/ Why not?
- What do you think is the biggest challenge when parenting together?
- Do you feel supported by me when it comes to parenting?
- What support, when it comes to parenting, would you like from me?
- On a scale of 1-10, how appreciated by me, do you feel?
What you may uncover is that there is healing that's needed with your relationship. And in healing your relationship, in digging deep with a commitment to wanting each other to thrive .... imagine what's possible?
The biggest gift you can give your child is learning to love yourself.
The second biggest gift, learning to love each other. Being a demonstration to your children for what a healthy, safe, loving, and nourishing relationship feels and looks like.
I love you, I honour you, and I am grateful for you.