Are you always finding fault?

Do you find you're always finding fault?

Either with others or yourself?

You could do something better... or you should have done it differently... it's just never "good enough".

And then that turns to - how someone else could do something better, or differently, or your expectations of them?

It's humbling when we realise we are addicted to finding fault. In ourselves and others.

Or that it's a pattern of "not good enough" that's really running the show. 

I remember a time when I looked in the mirror, and all I could see was what's wrong with me, what I'm not doing enough of, and where I'm falling short in life. 

There was so much self-loathing, self-judgement, self-criticism... and it was incessant as it was relentless.

And so, therefore, if I did this to myself, I was unconsciously doing it to others. 

My lens for how I related to the world was that something was always wrong - and nothing is ever good enough.

The moment it all stopped was when I became a mother. Hear me out.

Normally, when we become a parent, that voice gets louder. For me, it got quieter.

A few years before I became a parent, I did this practice called "1000 Days of Daring Greatly". You may have heard me mention it before.

Inspired by Brene Brown's TED talk, I wanted to know what "being wholehearted" meant and felt. 

Wholeness was "elusive" to me... and based on her research, the "wholehearted" are more connected and feel at ease with life; I wanted what the "wholehearted" had. 

So every day, I was my own "science" experiment.

I would document when I was in my Heart and when I wasn't. I documented what I said when I was in my Heart and what I said when I wasn't. 

I journaled on the habits, actions, and what the experience felt like in my body as I wanted to "master" being wholehearted. It was confronting as it was liberating.

And when I became a mother, all that "pre-work" started clicking.

I remember this moment so vividly. I'm standing in the kitchen, three weeks into being a new mother.

I had a shower that morning (I promised myself I would ALWAYS make time to have a shower each day), Avery's napping, and I'm making myself a hot breakfast.

As I was looking out of our balcony, looking into the horizon, "wholeness" overcame me.

I remember feeling - that there was nothing wrong or missing or lacking. Life just is.

And that ALL Avery EVER wants from me is to be whole, for me.

Because if I'm whole for me, I do not see "fault" or "find fault" in him - and instead, I will be holding space for him to navigate this world in his own timing and as his own being. 

As someone that considered themself a high-achiever addicted to results and having a to-do list that was overflowing and never completed - I finally understood what "wholehearted" meant.

From that moment on - I stopped judging myself.

I stopped criticising myself. I stopped examining myself through a magnifying glass with the intention of harming myself under the guise of "growth".

I finally understood that all of those patterns and habits around "finding fault" were not mine.

Because no child comes into this world, with "I'm not enough".

And if every child had a parent that loved themselves and was whole for themselves, we wouldn't project our lack, our insecurities, or uneasiness around life onto them. 

Imagine that kind of world.

It's not normal to be debilitated by guilt, shame, and "not enoughness". It's common - and not normal. 

And as long as that pattern is dominant in our lives - we will never trust life, trust ourselves, trust others, and trust that we are loved as we are.

How can we accept that we are loved if who we are for ourselves is, "I'm not enough". 

The idea of any of my children not feeling or receiving Love because they feel "they are not enough" - is the catalyst for me choosing my "wholeness" every day. 

And this is why I believe parenting is so healing - and parenting is a Spiritual journey to come home to ourselves. 

The "identity" of "I'm not enough" isn't something that we're born with. It's something we inherited.

And we pass it on from generation to generation until someone is willing to break the cycle. 

Finding fault will never give us connection, healthy relationships or feeling empowered in life. It does the contrary. It creates disconnection, creates unhealthy dynamics in relationships, and we are debilitated or confused by life. It doesn't feel safe. 

So - if "finding fault" is a pattern I learnt, I also hold the power to unlearn it. And that I did. 

As do you.

My wish for you is that you recognise you hold the power - to make the changes you're seeking.

And my wish for you is if you too have "finding fault" as an addictive pattern, may it be left behind in 2022 - and as you close off this year and enter 2023, don't take this pattern into the new year. 

It doesn't serve you, it isn't loving to you....and it will never allow you to love your life and your place in it. 

Your children are really asking you to be "whole". For they will really need you to be in your "whole heart" to help guide them in the moments that they aren't trusting theirs.

And you can't do this - unless you break up with the pattern of "I'm not enough" and "finding fault". 

Sending love,
Yummii xx