I want to share a story on how one of the darkest moments in my life also worked out to be one of the biggest blessings that I am so grateful to experience.
I couldn't stop crying. It's a depth of despair that I've never known before. John and I are lying in bed. He looks over with concern and holds me tight.
"Is there anything I can do?" He asks.
"I just need a hug... and for you to allow me to be. There's nothing to fix. I need the emotions to move through my body - there is nothing wrong. This is an appropriate reaction to what's happening." I mumble through the wailing and the tears.
One thing I have learnt as a coach is that emotions are energy in motion.
The better we get at "feeling" and "allowing" our emotions to run their course, we are releasing them from our bodies - rather than "trapping" and "suppressing" them.
We had just found out we "lost the baby" - again. No matter how many times you hear that "it's normal" or "that it's not meant to be" - it still hurts.
The second miscarriage - was one of my most emotionally challenging periods of growth - as it was one of the biggest blessings. If not, the biggest blessing of entering into Motherhood.
A few weeks had passed, and the emotions had run their course. After my morning meditation, a question came to me; "Why do you want to become a mother?".
Up until that point, the yearning of wanting to be a parent wasn't questioned.
Why did I want to become a mother? - Was it social conditioning? Was it because I felt like something was missing? Was it just a thing to do because that's what you do after you get married? Would life feel "less" than if I wasn't a mother?
What I got clear about was that if the yearning to become a mother was from a place of "lack" or "social expectations" or "concerns about my body-clock" - how I showed up as a mother would be reactive, a place of being a victim, a place of entitlement, a hero/ martyr, and survival/ suffering/ sacrifice.
If I felt that life wasn't "complete" unless I became a mother - it means that I feel incomplete within myself... and therefore, even if I became a mother - that disguises the real underlying issue.
I got out my journal and started writing. I questioned my beliefs. I questioned unconscious thoughts.
I also asked John the same question. "Why do you want to be a father?"
John and I had heart-felt conversations about our life together - and what it meant if we couldn't be parents. Would we feel lack? Would we think that something is missing? - AND WHY?!.
Before specialising in coaching First-Time mothers, I coached teams on high-performance, and one of the first things we would always work on is our "why".
The power of knowing your "why" isn't mine to claim. Simon Sinek has a famous TED talk on the power of knowing your "Why". Dean Graziosi shares about the "7 Levels Deep" strategy on asking "Why". Knowing your "why" is clarity - and clarity is power.
"Why do I want what I want?" - is an enquiry we can ask of any pursuit we take on in our lives.
When we know our "why", what we choose to do has purpose and meaning.
A purpose and meaning that is in alignment with our higher self.
With a purpose and meaning that is aligned with our higher self - challenges occur differently. The experience of being a victim, in survival, suffering, self-sacrifice doesn't exist when we have created a powerful "why".
We all have a unique "why" on the purpose of parenting and how it serves our soul.
My invitation to you - ask yourself; "Why did you want to become a mother or a father?".... and then continue asking "why" 7 times to your previous answer.
Explore this question. Be willing to dig deep. Create a compelling purpose and meaning for being a parent - and be prepared to see the magic manifest itself in how you show up as a parent - and for yourself in your life.
Being a parent isn't a job. It's a self-expression.
A journey that contributes to your self-actualisation.
It only feels like a job because your "why" is missing.