Being hard on yourself

Hello beautiful soul!

Yesterday - I shared about "Loving thyself..."

...and I wanted to follow that message up with my own story.

I can't begin to tell you how "elusive" loving yourself was to me. It was a ridiculous concept and not something that I believed.

Have you ever had that friend that was always making bad choices? Like returning to the same toxic relationship over and over, or constantly putting themself in danger and always stressed? YET they didn't know that they didn't know...- and you could see it so clearly?!

I was that person. I was that friend, that sister, that person in everyone's life where people were worried about or didn't understand why I would put myself through so much pain and pressure.

When you're addicted, you don't know you're addicted. 

I was that person that was addicted to feeling bad about myself. I was addicted to beating myself up. I was addicted to judging myself. I was addicted to feeling like a failure. I was addicted to guilt. I was addicted to shame.

Now - when you're addicted, you're going to do everything in your power to convince other's you're not. So on the outside, I seemed confident. I seemed to have it all together. I would be a "results producer".

You come to a point where you can no longer hide. Where you have to admit, "Ok, I have a problem." You then meet the addiction for what it is.

That point for me was when I went through my divorce. That was just the start of the healing.

The thing that propelled me to choose to NEVER indulge in that addiction or have it be my reality was when I became a parent. 

The temptation for the addiction comes up, and when I became a parent, nothing was ever going to have me go back there.

Where I came from, the places I have been through, have been dark. And if I can do it - so can you.

I want you to know I had a completely enveloping and intimate relationship with that voice in my head that told me I was unworthy, unlovable, not enough and that I am broken.

I remember it so clearly. I'd wake up, and the first thing I'm flooded with when I look in the mirror is, "Oh, look at your face, there's something wrong with it... oh and you haven't done x, y, z ... look at you, you're pathetic! Who do you think you are?"

It was incessant. It was loud. It was constant. 

I'm either blaming others or myself. I'm either judging others or myself. I'm criticising others or myself. I was trying to fix everyone or fix myself. The jealousy, the comparison, the constant barrage of feeling lack. "There's something wrong with me..!"

I want you to know - I've been there. That self-loathing, I know it well. 

When I write and teach about Love and healing - there's a reason. And I know this journey will be the hardest thing you'll ever do because addiction is hard to break. To sober up from your self-loathing takes energy.

So how did I get to the other side? And what is it like on the other side?

Blessed. Ease. Flow.

Freedom. Freedom to be me. 

To get to this side, you must understand that voice inside your head is not you. It is precisely that, a voice inside your head.

However, you also have access to another voice.

And that's a voice inside your Heart.

The voice inside your Heart will never sound louder than the voice inside your Head.

And so our job, is to learn how to pay attention and give attention to creating a relationship with our Heart so we can hear it when it speaks.

The voice inside your Heart will give you wisdom that is more powerful, profound, and has your highest and greatest good as its value - and the voice inside your Head is about survival, preserving energy, repeating the past. The voice in your Head, its value is efficiency. 

Before the age of 2 - you listened to your Heart. It's the only voice you heard. 

So, we ALL went from being Heart led - to Mind led.. and the Return to Love is to move from being led by the Mind and surrendering the reigns to being led by the Heart.

So why is this important?

It's only important if you believe life is precious. 

Otherwise, it doesn't matter. No shame. No judgement. I get it. 

The reverence for Life is what has us commit to the process of returning to Love. 

Without this reverence, without a connection to this reverence - we aren't conscious. 

I believe when we become a parent, the gift our children give us is to be in complete surrender of that reverence.....Because, when you held your child in your arms for the very first time, that's a reverence for what it is to be alive.

NOW - imagine having access to that every day? ...And having that reverence for your life?

How different are your choices? What would you stop doing? 

...And which voice would you listen to? Your Head or your Heart?

Wherever you are... it's a perfect starting point. It's never too late. You're never too old; you haven't missed the boat.

Having a reverence for your life honours the choice your child made in choosing you. 

Like I said if I can do it - So can you.

Sending love,

Yummii xx

PS If you want me to teach you how, reply to this email. I'll gift you a training.