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In my dreams, I would observe the version of myself that doesn't speak up when she knows she needed to or the version that withholds Love because it feels safer and more familiar.
Most often, I meet the version of myself that's deep in her shadow. It's my own version of receiving messages of "what I need to know" from my Higher Self.
I would be "sleeping" and yet aware and conscious.
In observing these versions of myself in my dreams, I could feel the visceral cellular experience in my body... and this is so powerful.
Because now I know what it feels like in my body when I choose Fear.
What's also been happening lately is that Avery has been appearing in my dreams.
It started about a year ago when I could feel his "Spirit" leave his body and come over to give me messages.
Lately, I've noticed Avery is less cuddly with me.. .or whenever I go to hug him, he says, "Oh, it's too hot... I don't want your cuddles..."
I noticed that he finds it hard to "receive" Love from me...And that it's like a leaky bucket.
No matter how much I pour into his bucket, it can't be received.
Last night, Avery appeared in my dream. Avery is just under 4, and Brooklyn is a few months old.
I remember this version of Avery so vividly, with his long whispy hair, and top knot always getting undone. That smile. That spark in his eye.
In this dream, it was as though I was in Avery's body, experiencing the world as he felt it, saw it, and observed it.
He would look at me cuddling Brooklyn or laughing with Brooklyn and feel he was replaced.
He felt completely and entirely rejected.
He would reflect back on how it was always Mummy and Avery time every day... and now... it was "Mummy and Avery" day once a week without Brooklyn. He hated that Brooklyn was always around... and he felt he had no say, no choice, and there was nothing he could do.
He felt powerless.
In this dream, I could feel the extent of Avery's experience of abandonment and rejection.
He felt SO invisible and heartbroken.
It was as though he didn't want to open his Heart up again to me... because all he could feel is the Fear that he isn't the centre of my world - when I was his.
I know his heartbreak is not mine to fix... and to feel in my body what he felt allows me to create a safe space for him to be met and that HE can move the energy through him.
In the 3D world, we have talked a lot about these experiences, and I really made an extra conscious effort to support our family growing from 3 to 4.
However... what I missed was the extent of the Heartbreak Avery felt. He has been "frozen" in time.
I knew he went through it... just didn't know how deep it was within him.
So... this morning at breakfast, we often talk about the dreams we had...
And I looked over to Avery and said, you came to me in my dream.
He loves it when I share my dreams, especially when he is in it, and he came to visit.
I said, "I never knew how invisible you felt... and that you were really really hurt... and probably still are... with Brooklyn being in our lives..."
He started tearing up... and said, "I told you!.. I tell you all the time.... You don't care about me.. and it's always about Brooklyn."
"I'm so sorry - I didn't hear it how you wanted me to hear it those times you told me... That must really hurt for you...I'm so sorry. "
At that moment, I could feel him come home to himself...and his Heart healed a little more.
He came over... and gave me the biggest cuddle and hug... Entirely surrendered... and said, "I love you so much Mumma."
Of course... Brooklyn would be trying to get on top of me and say; "Go away Avery... I want Mumma...Mumma is mine...!"
And if you have young kids, you know how it goes.
Now - if you have 2 or more kids, the "strategy" isn't to say these words to the older one so you can "tick the box".... You can't "fake it till you make it" when it comes to energy and truth.
Feel what they feel - without judgment.
Feel what they feel - without needing to fix it.
Feel what they feel - without making it mean anything about you.
And you can only feel what they feel when you have the courage to feel the depth of your own despair, pain and heartbreak - free from charge.
As Dr Joe Dispenza says, "Wisdom is the memory without the emotional charge."
Parenting is the most incredible healing journey.... Because, in feeling Avery's heartbreak and knowing how to hold space for him, my own Heart bloomed even more.
There is an inner child in all of us that has been heartbroken.
Healing is loving that inner child... so she chooses to trust and open her Heart again.
The easiest way to know where your inner child is hurting is - Pause, slow down, and feel your children's presence.
Feel into their world... and they will show you the parts of you that are seeking Love.
And if you're wanting to know how to hold space for your children so they can return to their Hearts - I can show you how.
Because there's nothing like the gift of trusting to open your Heart, over and over again.
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