In my last newsletter, I shared the exciting news that we are expanding our family and have welcomed the news of a second one on the way. I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time. I promised to update you on why I was open with the news and have yet fulfilled on that.
At the time, we were also embarking on a 3-week family trip to Mexico - where I was attending an incredible retreat to learn about the power of our mind, neuroscience, quantum physics, and meditation.
However at the core of it is this: learning to how love; and how to love starts with loving thyself.
During these 3 weeks, I had the grand vision of being able to continue to update the community, teach whilst overseas - I had a "vision" that life wasn't going to be somewhat the same and I just "happen" to be overseas.
I wanted to continue to fulfil on all the commitments despite the change in circumstance. And...well, when we try to swim against the current - that's not a great idea.
The pregnancy experience was entirely new. I had nauseousness (which only lifted within the last few weeks), I was extremely tired, and I noticed my body was consumed with fearful thoughts. I wasn't as "free" or "connected" to this pregnancy as I was with Avery. I am now 16 weeks pregnant.
I felt I was dropping the ball... and I reminded myself to bring it back to basics. What would allow me to align my mind, body, and spirit for the season that I am in?
Here's what made the biggest difference.
Surrender. Compassion, and Love for the season that I am in.
I noticed as a human being I somehow equated my self-worth to my to-do list and an invisible pressure which was self-created and imposed. The pressure was to upkeep some crazy blueprint in my mind of what I needed to fulfil on to be worthy of feeling loved, and whole.
In observing my thoughts, my emotions, and my feelings - I then have a choice on what I honoured. My fear, or my love.
I do my best to always choose love. I don't always get it right. And I do my best.
When we choose love, it doesn't mean that it's always packaged nicely and that the whole world will be rainbows and butterflies.
Choosing love for ourselves could be perceived by another as insensitive, selfish, inconsiderate, cold, or even judged.
Choosing love means we take actions that allow us to feel nourished, contribute to our highest purpose, and allow ourselves to expand.
When we choose fear, we are driven by guilt, shame, having to prove ourselves, obsessed with "how", strategising life, and crippled by our list of obligations borne from unconscious patterns and expectations.
When we choose fear, we choose to go against our highest good to make another happy or somehow think that we know what is good for another.
When we choose fear, there is attachment, expectation, we are rigid, we want control, perfection. There is no space.
I turned to the following questions to guide me; "What would love do? - and What is it that I truly want?"
Love would be present with my family while I was overseas.
Love would be accepting my physical and emotional state as it stands, as there is a human being that is growing and forming inside of me - and letting go of any disempowering beliefs that "I should be able to do more!".
Love would be letting go of things that I think are urgent. Unless our safety or life depended on it - I will divert my attention and energy onto what matters most now.
I wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel nourished. I wanted to show up and connect with my husband, John, and Avery while we were in Mexico; and I wanted to be present while I was at the retreat learning from a great mentor and teacher.
Whatever I thought I "had" or "should" attend to that didn't fulfil on "What would love do?" or "What my soul and spirit wanted, I chose to let it go...".
Was this challenging? Absolutely.
Did I let others down? Yes.
Was this hard to deal with? Of course.
How did I deal with it? Creating space for others to feel what they feel, and to know that their emotions are not mine to own.
So did I drop the ball? No. Instead, I dropped the judgement on myself. :)
Here's what I know. When you love who you are - you are ALWAYS liberating others. If your love is conditional - it is not love.
And it starts with us. You simply, love who you are, because you love who you are. Not because of your achievements, your efforts to prove yourself, your worthiness based on another's perception - and definitely not from the approval and validation from another.
This lesson has been reinforced as I have become a Mother.
When we arrived home in Sydney, I said to John;
"You know, Avery has given us the gift of really understanding how to love ourselves. If he wasn't around, if we weren't parents - I would still be obsessed with doing, being busy, and having my self-worth based on all these external factors... The gift of being his Mother has allowed me to expand myself - in mind, body, and spirit. And I can honestly say, hand on heart - I've never been more in love with life - because I am in love with me."
Our children learn to love themselves as they watch us be compassionate, gentle, and kind to ourselves.
Our children learn to trust themselves as they witness us cultivate trusting our own intuition and belief within ourselves.
Our children learn to the power of love - by being a part of our journey in learning how to choose love over fear. Choice by choice.
I hope that whatever season you are in, I hope that wherever you are - that you know you are loved, that you are honoured, and that you are amazing... and if you feel that you have dropped the ball.... I invite you to drop the judgement.
If you don't feel lovable - I want you to know you are worthy of being loved....and you are loved. To feel it, it starts with you opening up your heart to yourself.