Healing the rebellious teenager in me...

Teenagers are so misunderstood... (then again - most children are, no matter their age).  

When  you're under 3, you always communicated freely. Your joy, your sadness, your anger, your frustration.  

However, for most parents, when their child communicated sadness, anger or frustration - they didn't know how to meet it (because they haven't met theirs).  

And so the child learns that this "form" of communication is NOT ok with the parent.  

From ages 3 - 14... they are learning to suppress more and more of how they express their sadness, anger or frustration... and it internalises.  

You see - you can't destroy energy. And emotion is energy in motion.  

Now when you STOP the motion of the energy, which is what most 3 to 14-year-olds do...it's a pressure cooker in their bodies.  

What is happening between the ages of 3-14, is your child standing there at the wave trying to stop it on their own... and they can't swim.  

And they feel it's not safe to ask for help.  

They don't know how to ask for help in a way that you will respond... and they don't trust themselves to ask for help.. not because of your "No".... and more because of the disconnection they feel within.  

So... then after 14... when we are now "teenagers"... the feeling of disconnection with our parents is SO strong that we pull away... and we turn to someone else, something else, or whatever we can to feel this thing called "connection"...  

We're communicating we're hurt, and it's unsafe.  

We're communicating I'm feeling alone. I'm feeling ashamed. I'm feeling lost through our actions...  

Because we never really understood and felt, or metabolised healthy connection before... we do whatever we can to get this thing called "connection", not realising it's not "connection".  

That's why we turn to sex, porn, drugs, alcohol, achievement, hanging out with the wrong crowd, self-harm, eating disorders.  

The turmoil that is within, has to come out somehow... and because we don't know how to navigate it - we choose self-destructive behaviours.  

In the parent's view - this is rebellion and being delinquent.  

In the teenager's view - this is survival.  

NOW - the problem was I had associated "rebellious" as an identity. As a badge of honour.  

YES, it's great to think outside the box... And you have to be able to break free from the addiction to rebellion otherwise, you'll continue to create the cycle you created when you were a teenager.  

The whole identity of the Black Sheep, when it becomes personalised, when it becomes your "crutch" - is going to be the edge you need to overcome when what you're needing are Safety, Security and Grounding.  

Being rebellious is destructive if you're wanting to learn something new.

Being rebellious is destructive if you want to create a new habit.

And being rebellious will NEVER have you feeling safe in relationships. (Or know how to create safety in relationships with your children).

I was 29 when I recognised this.  

I could see my addiction to being rebellious was what was in the way of me fulfilling what I really wanted.

I love that I have a rebellious nature - she is quirky, she has her moments.. and I love her - and I have to keep her in check.  

That teenager has NO right to be in the driver's seat of my life. My relationships, my business, my parenting.  

She needs to stick to being a teenager not the CEO of my life.  

The younger parts of you - are that. Younger parts. With an immature brain. With a dysregulated system. And learning.  

Love on them. Nurture them. Nourish them.   And put them in the backseat or passenger seat of your life.

As past parts of you that didn't know any better... Don't have them in the driver's seat of the things that matter to you.  

THIS IS THE REASON WHY RELATIONSHIPS DON'T WORK OUT.  

Not from a lack of effort, or commitment, or desire.... but the unconscious awareness of really recognising who is in the driver's seat.  

My rebellious teenager, the black sheep part of me - has no interest in someone else's opinion or advice - even if it's good for me - because that's the part that doesn't trust myself or trust others....and she wants everyone to prove themselves... and she feels like she has to prove herself.  

She was so anxious, avoidant, and disorganized in her attachment.  

She'll never make choices to create life.  

She makes choices to reinforce that she is a black sheep and reinforce her righteousness about how lonely she is. She can't see a Higher perspective.  

SO if you have a rebellious tendency - HEAL IT.  

It's not going to give you the life you want. It's a past part of you - that has no interest in trusting others, trusting yourself, or trusting life. I know. I've been there.  

I've been in deep thought about this as a few private clients have been meeting this edge... - healing my rebellious nature that thinks she knows better is what set me free.  

And for the parents - I hope you see your teenagers differently... for they need you to. It's a non-negotiable as a parent for you to hold that space to see their goodness, their greatness, and their true nature.  

Most teenagers don't have this from their parents.  

It's become a cultural agreement that teenagers are rebellious... teenagers are selfish... teenagers don't care.  

THEY CARE SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS, AND THEY ARE STUCK.  

Your baby didn't know how to change themself. You accepted that. You're not going to expect your baby to change themselves.

Your teenager requires a lot more tenderness than you realise. Unconsciously you expect them to come to you to repair, you expect them to know better... and they'll never meet your expectations.

You expect them to know how to get unstuck and repair their relationship with you.

They shouldn't - and they don't have the tools.  

They need your love and help.

...And the most powerful thing you can do to help your teenager is to meet those parts of you that felt abandoned, rejected, ignored, invisible, unworthy, unloved.... and a complete mess and failure

Teenagers will make the most mistakes they have ever made in their life.

Their "first" mistakes.... and they are either going to pay for the rest of their lives with thinking they are alone in dealing with failure OR that life ALWAYS is generous, forgiving, and kind - and we have second chances so when we know better, we can do better. 

You have a major influence on this.

I hope you can meet the rebellious teenager within you with what she really needed... so that you can meet your teenager, with what they really need.

Sending love,

Yummii xx