How do you react to your child's emotions?

Uncategorized Apr 16, 2020

Avery has started becoming really rigid in the last few weeks. I've been observing him.

He doesn't like getting his hands dirty - and has to wash them all the time. Everything has to be orderly and lined up.

Recently, his behaviour has also changed. Extra-agreeable and overly regulated.

It was odd to me, and I knew something was up. Preschoolers are meant to have big emotions and LOVE messy play.

There was a moment today where it was just Brooklyn, Avery and I playing in the lounge room.

"Avery, do you feel loved by mummy and daddy?". It's a regular question I ask.

"Yes!" he answered.

"Do you ever feel unloved by mummy and daddy?"

He looked at me, looked down and looked away, "Yes." His mannerisms were different. I have asked him this question numerous times before; I could sense that something was off.

"How often do you feel unloved?" I asked.

He turned to me with his puppy dog eyes and stretched out his arms. "THIS MUCH!" he exclaims.

"Have you felt this way for a while?"

He nodded.

"How long have you felt like this?"

He looked at Brooklyn. "Since Brooklyn... I love Brooklyn but mummy!".

"It must be hard to feel unloved for so long.. have you been scared or embarrassed to tell me?"

"Embarrassed... But mummy, I love Brooklyn!".

As we are having this conversation, I ask him to sit in my lap so I could hold him tight. I knew something was up.

Our little boy has been trying to be "perfect" - as though he believes he needs to be "perfect" in order to be loved.

I have noticed this drive for "perfection" and being rigid ... and it finally made sense.

This is anxiety.

It's very common for the older sibling to develop anxiety when another sibling is born. They leave clues. Some clues are obvious - some are not so much.

They have big emotions that they don't know how to handle and process.

"Brooklyn's taking up all your time mummy!". I sat with him and listened. I didn't justify or ask him to understand - this is tough for him.

... and it's tough for me too. Guilt and shame are a familiar rabbit hole. I have to catch myself, so I don't get tempted to go down that path.

My job isn't to heal his anxiety - and his anxiety isn't a problem for me to solve or fix. All he is seeking is for me to love his anxiety. To see him, to hear him, and to understand him.

It is in this space that he will meet his anxiety with his own love.

And this is so freakin' tough!

The mother in me wants to fix it. The mother in me finds it hard that our son is going through this. The mother in me wants to intervene and protect him - and that's my own Fear at play... because there is nothing to fix.

There is nothing wrong with his reaction of feeling angst with a significant change in the family dynamic.

What there is to acknowledge, though, is how can I create the space and guide him to know that he is "whole"? That's my learning.

What he is teaching me is "surrender". What he is teaching me is "awareness".

We continue the conversation, and he opens up a bit more.

I know "this too shall pass", and it's a season that he is in. We can't protect our children from tough emotions, and we have a big influence on whether they can love themselves through these big emotions or feel "unease".

I've always had the following premise around Motherhood - that it is a domain, a realm for transformation. A chosen journey to healing our wounds so that we can return to our wholeness.

I love this quote from Steph Wagner, "Pain gets passed down until someone is ready to feel it."

Until we're ready to face our own pain, our own shadows - and have the courage to bring love to our Fear, we aren't able to create that space for our children. 

When we can fully embrace that we are whole, that nothing is lacking, there is nothing to fix - that we are worthy of love, that we are enough - we can create the space for our children to feel the same. 

I read somewhere that "Perfection is like suicide for the soul" - and it couldn't be more accurate. The intention of this is to invite you to take the pressure off - If you're in a "fixing mode", I invite you to stop. I invite you to give yourself some grace and let go of perfection. 

And... I invite you to love yourself enough to face your shadows. This is the perfect time to allow those wounds to arise and transform them from pain to wisdom. To bring Love to Fear. 

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