Dr Joe Dispenza is an incredible neuroscientist, researcher, and teacher - and he BRILLIANTLY bridges the world of Science (specifically Neuroscience and Quantum Physics) with Spirituality together in his teachings.
His main speciality is how to "rewire" your brain - and he teaches this through meditation.
Through learning his meditations, I host a fortnightly meditation with other Dr Joe Dispenza students from around the world (as they have to be familiar with meditations). We focus on healing in the areas of Love & Relationships, e.g. (past traumas, loss of a loved one, ending of a relationship, self-love/ self-worth - anything to do with how we show up in Love and all our Relationships).
For the last few months, the theme has been "Healing the Inner Child". In these meditations, we "connect" with our "Inner Child" and there is also an opportunity for participants to request to be a "Healee" - the remaining participants would then have an opportunity to be a "Healer".
What I've learnt is that we are all doing the best we can as parents. If we don't take ownership of our healing and transformation continually in our parenting journey - there is a deep sadness and regret we face when our children become adults.
Most of the "Healees" share a familiar story - "My adult children and I are both hurting. They don't know how much I love them. If I had my time again, it would have been different."
Our "awakening" always comes at the perfect time. It's never too late.
Taking ownership of our healing and transformation means paying attention and bringing awareness to the parts of ourselves where we felt unworthy of love.
Too often, we project our insecurities and fears onto our children, failing to meet them where they are at - and being unconsciously hijacked by our own traumatic experiences as children.
Every parent is doing the best they can - and this parenting journey isn't about raising children.
It's raising the parent.
When it's about the children - we are always focused on fixing, moulding, and assessing their behaviour - through the mind and heart of the unhealed child within us.
When it's about raising ourselves as a parent - we take ownership of our trauma. We recognise the hurt, pain, and trauma we faced as a child - and we can bring forgiveness, compassion, and love to those parts of ourselves that felt "conditionally" loved.
Here's what I also know - the more you know yourself, your triggers, an awareness of your fears - the less likely you will parent and be reactive from this place.
Our parents loved us as best they could - and it was proportionate to how much they loved themselves.
How much they loved themselves was based on external validation and approval OR a real sense of wholeness and centredness within themselves.
The latter is where patience, understanding, and empathy lives.
When we're basing our self-worth and love on anything external - it is never enough. It can never be enough.
Here's a story on how this plays out in parenting.
Avery and I are at the supermarket buying some ham for lunch. We had 5 minutes to get out of the carpark before I had to pay for parking - and I really didn't want to pay for parking!
Generally, Avery helps me place our groceries on the conveyer belt.
On this particular day, I was in a rush. He was holding the packet of ham. I quickly grabbed it from him and placed it on the conveyer belt so we can pay quickly and get out of the supermarket!
He started crying and getting upset. EXTREMELY upset. After I paid, we moved to the side as he was stomping his feet, waving his arms, and crying hysterically. He kept saying the words; "But I wanted to put the ham on there...".
I crouched down, so we were eye-to-eye. Getting out of the carpark on time was in the back of my mind. However, this was MORE important.
Don't get me wrong, I wanted to get out of the carpark on time - AND I knew, I had an opportunity here to either show him, unconditional love - or ignore it and drag him to the car to which he would feel deeply misunderstood and hurt.
I reflected to him what I understood on how he felt; "You really wanted to put the ham on the conveyor belt. I'm sorry I took that away from you."
We had a mini-dialogue, and he wasn't calming down.
"Can we walk to the car first and then talk about this?" I asked.
I took his hand, and we walked to the car. We managed to make it out of the carpark just in time.
This whole time, he was still hysterical.
As we're driving home - I notice my anger come up. I am getting frustrated. There's a voice inside my head that wanted to scream; "GET OVER IT!.. SHUT UP!..."..
And this is where awareness comes in. You catch yourself. I wanted to react in the same way my mother would react (with bursts of anger) when she felt a loss of control.
I take deep breathes in and out. In and out. I "tune into my heart". He is distressed, and something isn't being heard.
We park the car, and he is still crying. I finally figured it out.
As I get him out of the car, I ask; "You wanted to help mummy at the supermarket - and I took that away from you."
He immediately stopped crying. He said; "Yes. I wanted to help." He finally got heard. He finally got seen. He was finally understood.
"Can I carry you into the lift and give you a huge hug?" I asked.
"Yes". He cradled into my neck, and I hugged him tightly. I wanted him to know that I can be there for him when he is at his worst.
"I'm so sorry I took away something important to you - You wanted to help mummy. Can mummy explain what happened, or are you not ready to talk about it?". I asked.
"I want mummy to explain." He answered.
"Mummy rushing had nothing to do with you. I didn't want to pay for parking - I realise now that helping mummy is important to you. I'm so sorry."
We get inside our apartment. I sit him on the kitchen bench, so we're eye to eye.
"I promise you next time, we won't rush when we're at the supermarket, so you get time to help mummy. Does that work for you?"
He nodded. We hugged and kissed.
What could have easily been mistaken as just bad behaviour or not a big deal IS a big deal.
I'm not perfect, and doing this parenting thing is important to me. I can live with many regrets - and regretting not giving my best in parenting is not one of them.
What I've come to realise is that the better you know yourself, the more you can raise yourself as a parent and bring awareness to the parts of you that are waiting to be loved.
I believe you who are reading these words share the same sentiment. That speaks volumes about your commitment, you have an inner knowing of what truly matters, and that this parenting thing - IT MATTERS TO YOU.
Wherever you are on this journey, I want you to take a moment to acknowledge yourself. Just having the awareness that parenting is about raising ourselves as a parent is rare. Knowing that if we heal our wounds, take responsibility for our own beliefs - we won't be projecting them onto our child is precious in this world of parenting.
What you are doing makes a difference - and if you feel that you're falling short, I invite you to bring love to the inner child that was judged and criticised.
Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Know yourself as someone that is worthy of being loved unconditionally.