I feel so resentful of my parents

Uncategorized Mar 11, 2021

"I am so angry with my parents. Now that I've become a parent, I keep thinking, WHY did they do what they did?! I would never do to my child what they did to me...."

OR

"I feel so guilty for feeling this way about my parents now that I'm a parent... and I know they did the best they could, yet I'm in so much pain... and I can't shake it! I feel ungrateful and mean if I judge them!"

It's a common narrative that most of my parents, especially mothers, share. 

There are all these spaces we go through when we become a parent.

We may have more compassion for our parents.

We may have more empathy for our parents.

We may have more Love for who they are and what they have done for us.

...And there is also also a space where we are consumed by the memory of the pain as children - where our needs of Love were unmet. 

This is the process we call "Healing the Inner-Child". 

What's missing about the process that many miss the mark on teaching is this.

To be able to hold in the SAME space, the disappointment, the hurt, the pain, the anger, the sadness of being the 5-year-old version of you that didn't receive what you needed, AND being able to be compassionate and empathetic to a knowing that your parents did the best they could with what they had.

Healing your past isn't about rehashing the story - and it isn't about going back to the trauma, drama, and having to relive these moments. In fact, doing that - continues to perpetuate the story. 

You heal your inner-child and the fracture of the relationship with your parents and the unmet needs by breaking the energetic emotional bonds that live within your body.

That's why we may "consciously" know something - and our body doesn't feel it.

We consciously know our parents loved us as best they could, and our bodies are raging.

The only place where you can hold this space is from your Higher Self.

Being the EMBODIMENT of your Higher Self. RECEIVING guidance from your Higher Self.

Most people only connect to their Higher Self in meditation and then get pulled right back into the old programming and emotional conditioning when they are opposite their child or parent.

OR they become "perfect" parents, promising they'll never do what their parents did - only to find out that instead of self-sacrificing in parenting, they are doing it in their relationships. Same trauma, different costume.

Being the perfect parent. Being the perfect spouse. Having successes in business. Yet totally feeling out of alignment.

Still holding their breath. 

Still being run by guilt.

Still being consumed by shame.

Not knowing their boundaries.

Feeling responsible for everyone's emotional wellbeing. 

Just a different facade of trauma running the show.

So here's the frustrating part for many.

They've done the inner work— A LOT of it. Attended the retreats, do the meditations, do the yoga, done course after course, yet the resonance that floods their being of being unworthy, not enough, self-doubt, guilt, shame is in the body.

Because - their body maybe 35 years old, or 55 years old - except every crevice, every cell, predominantly is stuck as the wounded inner-child that felt unloved, unseen, unheard, and extremely misunderstood. 

When "new" parents come to me and ask for advice on how to create a thriving family, I share "Learn, How to Love. How to love "thyself" ". They dismiss it. "Surely, it can't be that simple. Give us tips on sleep and feeding instead!" they respond.

3 years down the track, they ask, "How can I make my child listen?". And then I say, "Learn, How to Love. How to love "thyself". The eye-rolls come again. 

And there is this moment - they are yelling at their child or frustrated with their partner/ spouse, standing there witnessing themselves - and realise... History is about to repeat itself. That the apple doesn't fall far from the tree - and who am I to think that life could have been different?

Through the process of learning how to love thyself, you heal the inner-child. 

Most of us didn't grow up with a healthy relationship with Love - in fact, most of us don't understand "how to love".

Loving another, without knowing how to love, wounds the one we love.

And this is why so many parents, so many adults, find it challenging when it comes to Loving relationships because we're all dealing with relationships from our inner wounded child. 

Here's how you know you have healed the inner wounded child.

There's nothing to fix.

Nothing to fix about you. Nothing to fix about your child. Nothing to fix about your parents.

You can feel bitterness and not run away.

You can feel your resentment, and not judge it.

You can feel your anger, and be kind to it.

That's when you know you have transcended Fear - and you have met Fear, with Love.

Wholeness is a state of loving yourself - for your shadows, your darkness, and all the parts of you that you once judged as unlovable. 

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