I'm feeling sad...
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It’s been almost 2 years since my dad and I have spoken. It’s a bizarre experience being estranged from your family. There’s a part of me that’s really sad. It comes in waves. The current reality is that our life is actually much safer, calmer, and more aligned without his presence in it - and it doesn’t stop me from missing him or thinking about what could have been, or idealising a daddy daughter relationship that I long for. Healing is accepting what is - and not making it mean anything about you. I’m not broken or unworthy because I don’t have a father that is active in my life. It’s just a circumstance. When I was a little girl, all the way to adulthood I would write my dad letters and cards. We had a language barrier so I found it easier to express myself in English and write out my appreciation and love for him. He never responded. I never knew if those letters or cards meant anything to him. I had shared this story with John a few months back. In the car the other day, I was sharing with John, I wonder how my dad is doing. To which John responded…"It’s hard because he never wanted you… and he didn’t care to connect with you. He did what he thought he had to do which was provide. I mean, his daughter reached out for connection all the time - the least he could do was respond to at least one letter." Ouch. That hit home. It’s one thing to know it for yourself… it’s another to “hear” it. I don’t doubt that my father loves me - in a way he knows…. And I also know, he never wanted me to be born - and my entrance to the world in the way that it was, was really conflicting for him. Spiritually, religiously, karmically.. Whilst I can understand that you can only love another to the extent to which you love yourself… it doesn’t take away the moments of sadness that I feel or the yearning that my inner child goes through for having a father that was supportive, that would dote on her, or that could be there to show her what healthy masculine energy would be. These are my human moments. Avery and Brooklyn will never experience the love of a doting grandfather. One’s transitioned - and before he transitioned, all they knew of him was he was unwell physically and always drinking… And the other grandfather, my father isn’t in their lives. So many of us feel “entitled” to be a parent, to be a grandparent… and my experiences or how life has unfolded for me has gifted me with the experience of a depth of gratitude that guides my parenting, relationship with John, and life. It’s an earnt experience that I get to be in our boys lives when they become parents, and the privilege of what it is to be a grandparent. I’ll never take that for granted. Just like I don’t take for granted they chose me. It’s been over 6.5 years since I’ve become a parent, and I kid you not… I wake up, in awe that I get to be a mother to these incredible boys. I am so honoured to love them…and be loved by them. Whilst there is an incredible gift I have in teaching what I do because I have transcended what I have gone through… I have moments where I wish I had parents that loved me in the way I needed. Family is meant to feel safe. It never was for me… And what a gift our boys Avery and Brooklyn have given us so that I can create, what I didn’t have - for I know full well the impact of not taking ownership of your wounds and the fall out of that. So everyday I hold our boys, and my Heart is filled with ABSOLUTE gratitude. Because - if every child knew how important they are, that they matter, that they are valued and that they are wanted…. I’m pretty sure we would have a very, very different world. How different would your life have been if you knew you mattered, are valued, are wanted, and that you were an important part of the family and this world? I’m very sure we would make more choices from our HIGHEST Selves.. and have more faith, trust and surrender in our experience of being human. Sending love, Yummii xx PS Breaking free of the identity of "I'm unwanted", "I'm a mistake", "I'm not enough" and "I'm a disappointment" is EVERYTHING if living a life of alignment and Love is important to you. |