I pretended I didn't care...

Have you ever wanted to record your partner while you're fighting?

It's 2009. A year since we had been married.

My ex-husband (husband then) and I were travelling to Japan. We're a week into a 3-week adventure of what was supposed to be the trip that would "fix" our marriage. 

I'm sitting opposite him in a restaurant and we're having another one of our fights. I'm crumbling. Hurt. My lips are pursed. The ball in my throat is right there.... 

We're at one of the fanciest restaurants in Tokyo - and I can't even enjoy the food. I've lost my appetite.... and of course, at the time - "it was HIS fault!". 

Oh, how reality was FAR from my expectation of the "perfect" holiday. 

Have you ever felt so ashamed and disappointed by what is happening in your relationship?

That was where I was in 2009.

My experience with my ex-husband was that he was so full of sarcasm and contempt, and he was obnoxious. That was "my" experience of him.

Why couldn't he see how lucky he is to have me?

Why can't he see what I do for us?

Why can't he see how much I give?

Why can't he see how great I am?! Like how other people saw me?

I blamed him for everything in our relationship.

I started recording him on my phone. I wanted him to know how contemptuous he was. I wanted to show him that it was HIS fault why our relationship was falling apart... 

I wanted to prove to him that he was the one that was making the relationship fail.

As I was recording him, there was so much satisfaction on my part about how "right" I was that he was in the wrong.

I was so addicted to being right. I was so addicted to proving him wrong. I was the victim here... He was the perpetrator. 

And underneath all of that, I was creating my own suffering.

I was avoiding taking any responsibility on my part. 

And what was worse was that I pretended I didn't care and that I didn't need him. 

That marriage had no chance. 

We separated in early 2010. 

I never wanted to give any partner the satisfaction of knowing how much I needed them and wanted their support. It was unconscious.

I would always play it cool, play it "safe" and hide my cards. 

That's the quickest, fastest and easiest way to end a relationship. The inability to be vulnerable. 

No relationship will last when there are "games" and "strategy"; or the constant needing the other person to "prove" themself or "test" how much they love you.

It's tiring. For both. 

At the end of my first marriage, I finally admitted to myself how important it was for me to be in a relationship. I really wanted to be in a healthy, nourishing, nurturing relationship.

I was done with the story of "I don't need anyone" and "pretending" I was ok with that. The facade no longer had any appeal... and the truth was I was so scared of being unlovable - that I pretended I didn't need love.

I have spent over a decade invested in what it takes to create healthy, nourishing and nurturing relationships. Our quality of life is highly correlated to the connection we feel in our relationships.

Back in 2009, I was the worst at relationships. I believed I was the most unlovable person on Earth.

I was committed to breaking up with that story and creating a new one.

And now, some consider me the "Guru" of relationships. 

I've supported couples to have the most beautiful divorce - where each has then gone on to enter brand new relationships; I've supported couples to create brand new relationships; I've supported families to have a brand new relationship to Love and connection.

I support mothers and women to feel loved and no longer experience the "Why me?" victim/ martyr/ saviour dynamic within themselves. 

I was that woman that was highly successful in her career and, for the life of me, couldn't figure out relationships. Until one day, I decided that this was no longer going to be my reality.

If you're in a relationship and want to feel more supported and reconnected, or you're feeling like you're growing apart as you're doing all the inner work and your partner isn't, reach out. I can help. 

Especially if you're a parent. 

If it's important to you that your child has a happy and fulfilled life - then it's important to you that they have healthy, happy and fulfilled relationships.

You can't teach what you don't own.

And if you're pretending that it doesn't matter to you.... and you know that you're lying to yourself, this is an invitation to step into a different story for yourself.

I know I can help. It's the work I'm born to do.

Book a call here. 

Sending love,

Yummii xx