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I have suffered from insomnia.
I didn't know, that I didn't know, I had insomnia.
There was a stage in my life when I would go to be at 1-2 am and wake up at 6:30 am.
Every hour in my calendar was scheduled.
I never felt I was doing enough.
I had this restlessness that I was running out of time, falling short - and I had to fill up EVERY hour with something "productive".
I had this "I can sleep when I die" or "life is too exciting to sleep"... motto.
However, underneath it all, was a distrust in life, and it was the fear of not being good enough.
When you can't sleep, when you don't know how to rest, when you don't give your body the gift of rest - and you're a parent, it is one of the most unloving things you can do for yourself and your family.
One of the gifts that I received in being a mother was to slow down.
I am not what I do.
I am not my productivity.
And my worth isn't based on my to-do list or what I have accomplished and achieved. Yes, these are important, and they are not my worth.
I use to lay my head on my pillow at night, reflecting on how I'm not enough, judging myself, expecting more of myself, and it was the voice of anything but Love.
Even when something was to be celebrated - I couldn't celebrate it. My mind would go to - "Ok, what's next!... "
That habit and behaviour of self-judgement and being highly critical of ourselves is common in high-performers.
The unconscious pattern of always striving for more and being unable to pause and celebrate is a symptom of not being worthy, not being good enough, and being addicted to a story of being unlovable and scared of being a disappointment.
My parenting choices are heavily guided by the following:
Would I want my child to live the way I live?
Would I want my child to inherit my belief system?
Would they be proud to have the same relationship I have with John?
AND... how do they go to sleep at night? Feeling loved? Whole? Complete and celebrating life? OR consumed with guilt, worry, and thinking they are alone and not good enough?
Nowadays, as I lay my head on the pillow, this is the ritual I go through.
I place my hand on my Heart. I breathe. I centre myself.
I think about my day and what I did really well. Where was I loving to myself? And where did I meet my Fear with Love?
I go to bed at night knowing who I am inside and that I'm a good person - in fact, I'm a great person. I love who I am as a mother, wife, and human being. I'm proud of my efforts for the day - and I connect to that Highest part of myself and thank her for her guidance.
If there were moments I could have done better, or I've hurt another or hurt myself - I ask, "If I had a chance again, what would I do differently?" - and I make a point to forgive myself, meet myself with compassion and grace. And move on.
And guess what? I have a very similar ritual I do with both boys.
So many of us want to make an impact, want to create a legacy, and want to give our children the best of what life has to offer.
It starts within ourselves.
Our relationship to self is the set-point, the end-point, and the most significant contributing factor to the sense of safety and Love we feel in our relationships; to the joy of living our best life; and the freedom in living our purpose.
So... When you lay your head on your pillow at night - with your final thoughts for the day - is that what you want your child to be thinking about themselves when they are going through life at the same age or season in life?
Sobering? I hope so. Ready for this to change? I have ideas on how you could do this.
Reply to this email - and I'll show you how.
Sending Love,
Yummii xx
PS My insomnia was a symptom of how much I didn't trust life, how I felt that no one was going to be there for me and that I believed I had to do life alone.
The pressure of needing to do so much was because of a belief system that there was no one I could turn to and depend upon - because I'm unlovable.
I send that past version of me so much Love. I appreciate her...and I'm so grateful I no longer live out her view of the world. It was a lonely one.
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