I wanted to save my mother...

I'm 16.

I opened up the newspaper (we didn't have internet or google back then) to look up the places for rent.

Mum's been crying for months. (...Years.. however, this time around, it's brutal).

She has been feeling so stuck and defeated... and I knew our living circumstances HAD to change.

I will never forget that feeling of hearing the words, "Yes... we need to leave" spoken by her in between the sobbing.

We were both sitting on my bedroom floor. I wanted to make her pain go away.

I went in to hug her, and she pushed me away.

I didn't know what to do to stop her crying and I had to do something.

"I'll go get a job... let's just leave," I told her. "I can get us out of here. Look at these places... I can do it. Us 3, we can start a new life..." She agreed.

"FINALLY!" I thought. We can all be "free".

I started looking for jobs in the next few days, I started circling places we could move into.

The idea of starting a new life and new beginnings. This way, everyone can be happy. SO excited that we could finally be free from all the drama.

Relief filled my body.

My father can have his space and focus on his Spirituality and be free from this life that he didn't want.

My mother, brother, and I can live "normal" lives... I felt so alive with this potential.

And I had no doubt I could make this happen.

Then a week later, she told me, "We're not leaving. I need to be here....I'm not leaving your father.... "

I was crushed.

That 16-year-old was now angry. Fed-up. "WHY IS SHE SUCH A VICTIM?" I thought to myself.

I wanted to shake my mum, and snap her out of it.

I wanted to scream at her and say, "He doesn't love you!"

I felt heartbroken. I felt out of control.

I was now the one feeling stuck, defeated... and trapped.

I didn't understand it.

That 16-year-old made up so many stories from this moment.

• I don't need no man
• No man is EVER going to do this to me
• Relationships suck
• You need to make your own money
• I don't need to depend on anyone
• I'll never be this weak
• Don't be desperate
• Don't be needy
• It's all up to you...

That 16-year-old tried to make sense of it all... and created these stories.

She felt out of control, so she wanted to create control.

She felt helpless, hopeless and trapped, and she couldn't do anything to help her mother.

My 16-year-old self wanted to save my mother, and she couldn't.

What limits us are the patterns and stories we create in the first 21 years of life. Stories we created to make sense of the world and our place in it.

As an adult, it's our responsibility to rewrite those stories. To recognise the stories - and rewrite the ones that don't serve us.

That 16-year-old, I love her - And she has NO BUSINESS being in the driver's seat of my life.

She doesn't know how to have healthy relationships.

She didn't know how to have a healthy relationship with herself.

She would be a terrible, impatient, reckless, rebellious parent. (Not the parent I would want to be for my children!)

She has NO BUSINESS needing to work out how life works!

Her heart was SO closed off. Her coping mechanism was self-harm.

And here she was trying to save her mum - yet it was her that needed saving.

Nothing good, healthy, vibrant, or nourishing will EVER come out of a 16-year-old being in the driver's seat of my life. And I can help her rewrite that.

I can meet her with love, compassion, understanding.... and comfort her.

When you get clear on who is running the show, when you get clear on your patterns, when you get clear on the stories that you're playing out - that's when you open the door to being the creator of your life.

Until then, you're a victim to stories you wrote that you keep playing out, from some version of a young child surviving the world.

What I know to be true is this.

Where you feel disempowered, where you feel you're holding back, where you're feeling contraction - it's not the true you that's in the driver's seat of your life.

It's a version of you that's in survival... and a version that is a child, that's trying to grow up too fast and do life alone.

Get clear on who is running the show.

And what role does the Heart play in all of this?

Consider, that when you live from your Mind or you're someone that really values living from your Mind, you're living out the patterns from your Inner Wounded Child in your relationships.

No relationship has ever had harmony when two young children are at each other. 

So stop bringing your Mind to your relationships.

The only way through - is from your Heart.

Sending love,

Yummii xx