i was desperate to prove that i didn't deserve love...

There's something about me that you might not know...

I use to struggle in relationships.

And when I say struggle, I found relationships (including friendships) hard, challenging, and I could never believe that I was "wanted", or anyone enjoyed my company. 

This went well into my 30's. 

When friends would call and ask to hang out - My immediate thought would be, "I have nothing to offer or what if they find me boring?"

And... there was such a predictable pattern for me. I would find a way to get out of it. I was then consumed with "what am I going to say?!" or "what am I going to talk about?"... and leading up to hanging out with friends, I was filled with anxiety.

Can any of you relate?

The idea of "intimacy" and "connection" was something I wanted - and my mind had no interest.

So when it came to intimate and romantic relationships - it was the same thing.

I was always on edge for them to figure out that I wasn't who they wanted to be with or that they would leave and cheat. 

However - I hid the insecurity really well. No one could tell. No-one knew. 

I was very comfortable with my own company - and I only felt safe with my own company... Now, this is a double-edged sword.

When we love our own company from a place of wholeness - we can also feel safe and secure when we are with others that we care about.

When we feel safe with our own company, and it's from a place of Fear - we believe we are better off alone, and we have an unhealthy attachment style. 

This is how extreme independence can be a trauma response. That's the double edge sword.

To have a healthy place in this world is to love your independence equal to feeling safe to be loved by others. When there is an imbalance - there's trauma. 

In relationships, I use to have an attitude of "take it or leave it",... and if anyone were in the way of me achieving my goals or what I wanted - it would further reinforce the story of "I'm unlovable" and "I'm not enough".

Predictably, I'll go to the pattern of "I'll show you!"....and the relationship ends. 

I was very quick to "cut" people out or end it. 

All of these habits and behaviours were a defence mechanism.

 They were born out of one of the most unhealthy attachment styles - The Fearful-Avoidant or Disorganized. 

I was so desperate to prove that I wasn't lovable. "I" (my mind) wanted to be right about my story.

.....and there was a defining moment that shifted the trajectory.

John and I had just moved in together.

There was this one week he was travelling with friends overseas. As soon as he left, guess what I did?

I went through all his stuff.

I went through his computer. I went through all of his boxes and notes, and photographs. I went through everything.

I was determined to find evidence of him still in love with his ex or proof that he was cheating.

Did he give me any reason to be suspicious - absolutely not. He was and still is today an incredibly safe space and my champion.

At that time, I found it sooo hard to trust that he could love me and to be able to relax and surrender to someone caring for me.

Can any of you relate to that feeling of not believing that someone can choose you or that you are chosen for something?

My mind could NOT believe that John could love me for who I am. 

The history I had around others' cheating, and affairs in the family was the only reality I knew. 

 This was when I realised a BIG part of transformation requires the body to catch up...

...and it was also during this stage I realised Fear rises when it's ready to be released.

When John came home, I owned up to everything - however, it was the first time I owned up to my insecurities. I had never faced these shadows within me.

I didn't do it for him. I did it for me.

I was worried he would leave... and I was worried this would damage our relationships.

However, what mattered more was this commitment.

I can feel safe to be loved. I drew a line in the sand. 

Suffering was no longer going to be my reality.

I remember telling him the words, "I need help. And inside, I am hurting a lot - and it has nothing to do with you. I'm finally ready to let go of suffering..."

So... what does this have to do with parenting?

Everything.

When I think about what I want and desire for our children, it is this.

For them to be able to love and feel loved. They have a "secure" attachment in relationships and can navigate conflict with love and honour.

That they don't need to run away or feel unsafe or try to prove their worth by what they do!

And children learn attachment through their parents. 

Now - this doesn't mean all parents should stay together - this does mean, though, one of the best things you can pass onto your children is this.

The energetics of being able to relax into and feel safe to be loved. Knowing how to trust others....and therefore, knowing how to trust yourself. 

We all have a set-point when it comes to feeling safe to be loved.

I believe the greatest gift we can give our children is this.

Increasing our internal thermostat on receiving Love....and this has everything to do authentically loving who we are.

For this week - I invite you to practice being conscious of being loving to you.

Where can you be kinder to yourself?

Where can you give yourself grace?

Where can you allow yourself to be looked after?

....Because it all has to do with receivership.

And receivership is an act of Love.

Sending love,

Yummii xx