Is your child emotionally manipulating you?

Hello beautiful soul!

It's so easy, especially when our children are older, to have an unconscious expectation that they are "responsible" for their relationship with us.

When parents are struggling with their children who are teenagers or older - we might be seduced by the idea that our children are emotionally manipulative.

I recently had a mother reach out to me about her relationship with her 20-year-old daughter.

Her daughter is hurting and so is she.

In her world, her daughter is emotionally manipulative. This is her world. This is her truth.

"My daughter's an adult now, she should know better."

If we really did know better, we would do better, but we don't.

Isn't that the case for all of us?

If we really really did know better, we would do it.

I don't care how old your children are, whether they are a newborn to whether they are 21 years old, consider that they are still looking to you as a parent for guidance.

The mother shared, "My daughter's 20, she's emotionally manipulative. I've got to have my boundaries around her."

And I get it.... I get how it can be so painful when you can't seem to get through to them AND it feels they are abusing you and rejecting you.

They aren't abusing you or rejecting you - they are working through their shame on how they feel about themselves around you.

That's why it feels like a rejection of you - and it's not.

It's a deep shame within themselves that they can't reconcile... and being around a parent that occurs as disapproving is like digging the knife in the wound, pushing it further and twisting it in.

If we think about parenting, it always comes down to the one thing, connection.

I know that sounds so simple, and it is, and it's not easy.

Because the last thing we want to do as parents, honestly the last thing we want to do as parents, is connect.

Why? Because we are so seduced by this idea of needing to do do do do do.... and being busy by doing so much.

Connection requires presence.

And that's why a lot of parents struggle with "being present".

The access to being present is "connecting".

"What do you mean connect?! I am connecting with them!"

It's just not any connection. It is connecting with them in a way they can receive it.

So the thing with parenting is, whether your child is a newborn, whether your child is a teenager to a young adult, all they are seeking from you is;

Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do you love me? Am I enough for you? Do you love me for who I am?

Can you connect with me as I am? Just as I am..... For ALL that I am... and ALL that I'm not.

Is who I am right now - enough and worthy of your Love?

Most adult children don't feel this from their parents. It's rare... if you have this from your parents - AMAZING!

From 14-21, most "children" feel judged, criticised, and unsafe to share with their parents what they are really going through. They feel like a failure and rejected.

They are so desperately wanting the Love and yet they don't feel safe by the Love that's given.

And when we are in a position where our child is older, it's really easy to think that they are an adult or that they don't need you or that they aren't seeking any emotional comfort from you because they "seem" older.

No matter how old we are, even as a full-grown adult, don't we just want to see our parents be filled with joy when they see us?

It doesn't matter how old you are.

Even as a 40-year-old or 60-year-old - imagine every time your parent saw you and their eyes lit up, their arms open wide, and all that oozed out from them was this energy of; "My life is better because you're in it?!".

Does it ever get old?! No.

If our children are pushing us away - it is because the shame is so high - and we're taking it personally.

And so when this mother shared with me, "my 20-year-old is emotionally manipulative", I really got in her world, how hurt she is as a mother AND her daughter is hurting too.

Both are hurting. That's what there is to remember in EVERY relationship where there is disconnection.

Her daughter doesn't know that she's being emotionally manipulative. Her daughter's actually doing the best that she could with what she has.

The mother went on to share "my daughter treats me so differently compared to how she treats other people."

Of course. Because around her mother, the daughter doesn't feel safe. Safe to be loved for who she is.

Around her mother, she feels rejected and abandoned... so to protect her own pain and to avoid feeling the pain... she will act out.

Her daughter's pain is so deep that the experience of feeling so unworthy, so misunderstood (it's not personal to the mother and yet it feels so personal)...And that's why it feels like her daughter's emotionally manipulative. And that's not the case.

Her daughter is in pain.

For this relationship to heal, it's up to the mother to feel her daughter's pain. To empathise. To understand.....and she can only do this when she has the courage and vulnerability to feel her own pain.

It's not the responsibility of the child to feel a parent's pain.

To expect your 14-21-year-old to empathise with you and what you're going through - that's unfair on them, and unfair on you.

It's YOUR responsibility to empathise. Not theirs.

To be able to feel our children's pain so that we aren't triggered by them; and that we can see them in a different light - There is no escaping being able to meet your own pain, being able to meet the depth of the darkest parts of yourself.

And meet it with such sincerity and such Love.

So that question; "Do you believe your child is emotionally manipulative?" is a powerful reflection of what's going on with the relationship with your children.

Because if you do believe they are, I'm inviting you to consider that they don't even know that they are.

They have no idea that they are being emotionally manipulative... in their world, they are hurting.

In their world, they're feeling disconnected from you. In their world, they are desperately wanting to be seen, heard and understood by you.... and they have NO access.

The crazy part about being a parent is that when your kids are older and you expect them to be the ones to make amends and expect them to be the ones to come to you.....That's unfair.

They aren't equipped. They are seeking your leadership and your guidance.

As a parent, it's our role to be their guide in showing them what it looks like to reconnect.

It's our role as the guide to show them compassion.

It's our role as the guide to share with them what it is to love our humanity. Be kind to ourselves, give grace to ourselves forgive.

It's our role.

They're looking for us to guide and lead them.

And so when we prematurely expect more from our children it can come across as "Oh, I think my child's being emotionally manipulative", but that is far from the truth.

And if we ever feel that from our children, it really is a reflection of how misunderstood we were, when we were growing up.

We don't see the world as it is. We see the world as we are. If you believe your child is emotionally manipulative, what is within you that's asking to be met with Love?

Sending love,

Yummii xx