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Hey beautiful soul!
This series on Shame and how to meet it with your children is going to truly the access to giving your children a different path in life.
Before I can share how the conversation with Avery went (which if you're a parent and you're wanting to help your children navigate conflict better - stay tuned!) - we need to have a really intimate understanding of "shame".
Shame is a beast.
And... Shame is unavoidable.
Shame is actually part of the human condition - and I believe its purpose is this.
To teach us empathy.
To teach us how to be kinder, more compassionate, more understanding... and be humble.
Without shame, it's really hard to do this - or the depth of the way in which we empathise cannot be realised.
I love Brene Brown and how she describes the difference between Shame and Guilt.
Guilt is "I feel bad that I did x,y,z..."
And Shame is "I AM bad that I did x, y, z"
NOW.... I'm very clear that not everyone walks around consciously showing that they have a poor relationship with themselves. Most people have NO idea of the relationship they have with themselves.
And here's how it shows if Shame is running the show.
- You have a poor relationship with yourself, and you're consumed by Shame when and if you identify with the following:
- You're hard on yourself
- You have HIGH, almost near impossible expectations on who you need to be
- You can't feel fulfilled. It's fleeting. It's always the next thing, the next thing, the next thing
- There's always something to do and something to be busy about
- If you're a parent, you're hard on your children - you forget they are children and you expect them to be better (under the guise of "Love")
- You can't rest
- You can't pause
- You're impenetrable. There's a hard exterior - as though everything is "perfect" but you can't get close to people - and people can't get close to you... it's really hard to get to know you
- There is a distance you feel with others - and they feel it with you
- You're consumed by right/ wrong/ good/ bad
- You find it hard to be at ease with life
- You're extremely independent and don't ask for help or place a facade you don't need anyone (yet inside, you would love someone to be there...)
- Perfectionism is such a symptom of Shame!
Overall there's a theme with shame.
You have such HIGH expectations and demands of yourself, you're hard on yourself... and therefore that's what you expect of others.
In fact, if you regard yourself as a "High Performer" in life AND you find it hard to rest and be at ease - Shame is the undercurrent. (There's a difference between being a "High Performer from a place of LOVE VERSUS a place of Shame!).
The problem with being unconsciously controlled by Shame is you'll never find surrender and a deep trust that allows you to be who you are in relationships.
Because no one will ever be good enough... because you feel you're not good enough....and you can't relax into the relationships around you.
Now, we aren't walking around consciously thinking "Oh I'm not good enough"... however it shows.
It shows in our hard exterior.
It shows in the way we had to protect ourselves when we were children, thinking that no one understands or no-one cares....and that our feelings don't matter.
WITHOUT this awareness around Shame - you'll always judge another's humanity.
....and the people that will hurt the most from your judgement is your children and your partner.
To tame the beast of Shame - there is no other way than to know how it lives, manifested, and permeates in YOUR own life.
You have to meet it.
And then you have to forgive yourself. Over and over and over again.
And again.
On a scale 1-10; how easy do you find it to forgive yourself?
10 = I always forgive myself, and I learn from my mistakes.
1 = I find it extremely hard to forgive myself.
Your answer is a reflection of the extent to which Shame controls your life.
You can lie to others - they'll never know.
The hardest part is when you lie to yourself about your Shame and deny it.
And ... it's the VERY reason you can't feel safe in relationships.
For how can you trust another to Love you and receive their Love, when you find it so hard to Love you for you?!
....(and if you're a parent or in a relationship, and you complain that your kids or your partner don't listen to you or hear you.... this is why.
Your words don't hold power - because they don't come from the depth of your being and Love. They come from your Shame).
Without this understanding about Shame - your children won't trust you to be a safe space for their Shame to arise.
And yet - they REALLY need you to help them navigate it.
NO child, ever, under the age of 21, should be learning to navigate Shame alone.
.... Wouldn't you agree?
It's what you probably had to do... it's what I had to do... and no child EVER can and should, ever, navigate their Shame alone.
I'll share Part 3 and how the conversation with Avery went tomorrow.
Sending love,
Yummii xx
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