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Over the last few months, a client's friend's son, who is a teenager, has committed suicide.
Another client has a teenager who has depressive and suicidal thoughts.
And another previous client who specialises in coaching teenagers, has a current teenage client that shares about taking her life.
I'm not a mental health therapist, this isn't psychology, and I'm sharing with you my own personal experience on what will help. (And if you're looking for someone that can hold space for your teenager, I have the perfect person that I can recommend. Reach out and I'll send you her details.)
I was also once that kind of teenager, and I have attempted it... twice. And beyond attempting it, I self-harmed from the ages of 15 - 21.
And herein, lies the reason why I do the work I do with parents.
Prevention is everything.
I was always curious about what had me go down that path... and how do parents miss the signs or what is it that teenagers really need?
I have also enquired into why is it that parents can love their children so much and their children can't feel it, and what is it that children really want from their parents?
And how do we prevent this or navigate through this?
Parents can't understand how their teenager got so depressed and anxious... and they replay back on what they should have done, could have done, and where did they go wrong.
The parents are unconsciously wishing they could turn back time or that their teenager would open up more... or ask for help.
If only.
See, the thing is, when you're in that deep dark emotional and physical state - you don't know you're in it. Your mind is extra noisy - and you have NO IDEA that it's gone that bad, unhealthy, and you're at check-mate.
Where most parents go to is blaming themselves, feeling helpless, going into survival mode, and completely freaked out, scared, hyper-vigilant that their teenager will do something stupid - and going to the worst-case scenario.
THIS ISN'T GOING TO HELP YOUR TEENAGER.
Firstly - unless you've been through it - it's really hard to hold space for it.
This is why we do the healing work so you can feel in your own body the terror, the disconnection, the depth of despair, the sadness, the disappointment, the frustration, the grief - and when you heal - you can be with your humanity....and that's how you can "be with" your child's humanity.
Secondly, what's needed is for you to be in your Heart, in your knowing, in your Highest Self and overflowing more than ever.
Your child needs you to lead from the Heart.
Your child needs you to see them in their wholeness. EVEN if they are challenged right now. THEY ARE WHOLE.
If you see them as something to be fixed, something is wrong with them, and they are broken - they can feel that. AND they will close off even more.
Because no-one wants to feel like a burden.
When you're in your mind, you're in lack, you're in fear. You may even be going through self-judgement, self-loathing, panic, guilt, and shame.
These mental and emotional states will not help your child navigate their own dark night of the soul.
As hard as this may sound - their depression and anxiety are NOT your fault, you are NOT to blame... and if you go down that path, you will not be able to set them free.
It feels personal. I get it. And it feels like it was your fault. I get it. And it's not.
I was a HIGH-FUNCTIONING, over-achieving, top of my class, always had a smile, bubbly depressed and anxious teenager.
What I was craving for was belonging, connection, to be seen, heard, and understood... and to know that I matter. That I was valued. That I was enough.
That was hard because the only way I knew how to belong, connect, matter, or be valued was by going against everything that "was me".
I had no idea as a child that I was abandoning myself... I was just so desperate to get approval and validation.
I wanted to be perfect... and the pursuit of perfection got overwhelming such that when I made a mistake, or when I was rejected, or when I didn't belong - that was enough of a reason to have the desire to take my life.
What I needed was a hug. What I needed was a hug and to be in nature. What I needed was to get BACK INTO my body and not run away from the chemical reactions that seemed to be consuming me.
What I needed that I didn't know I needed was connection to myself and my Heart.
What I didn't know that I didn't know that would have made the biggest difference was for an adult, either of my parents, to look at me in the eye, touch my face - and say "You matter. This hurts. You're hurting... and I'm so sorry you're going through this pain... I'm here for you.... There's nothing wrong with you... and you're not broken. That we all make mistakes, and your life isn't over."
Now - what was more important than hearing those words is the "energy" behind them.
When we are going through a dark night of the soul, we are so heightened by energy. We can feel when it's an unsafe space.
We can feel when someone can't hold our frequency.
We can feel when someone feels pity, helplessness, and hopelessness and makes our dark night about them.
And that makes us withdraw.
...The hardest thing about depression and anxiety is that you don't know you are going through it - it's a fast slippery slope.... and with the most wholesome Love that can meet your Fear, something will awaken within you.
Depression and anxiety are symptoms of the mind. And we know the mind that creates the problem cannot be the same mind that solves it - yet we keep trying to meet the Mind with the Mind.
Only with the Heart can we transmute, transcend, and transform the pain into purpose, the wounds into wisdom, and desperation into inspiration.
Depression and anxiety doesn't start in the teenage years.
It is an accumulation of consistently betraying yourself or feeling unsafe to be you - starting at a VERY young age. I would go as far as saying potentially 3 or even younger.
As a parent, the hardest thing in parenting is knowing how to love yourself. How to be with yourself. How to honour yourself. How to connect to your Heart.
Why?
Because then you can meet your child where they are at and Love them in a way they know how to receive.
Otherwise, you're loving them from your Mind, bringing into the relationship your Fears, insecurities and projecting onto them your own burdens, wishes, and values.
And whilst you have the best of intentions, if they are so desperate for your Love, Approval, and Validation - they now believe they have to be someone they are not to exist in this world.
The deeper that is - the more they disconnect from themselves... and when they are disconnected from themselves... and don't know how to mange it, they'll meet their own dark night of the soul.
Now - this is a newsletter - and there are so many nuances and different scenarios to work through. I'm not going to claim that one newsletter will make a difference.
My intention is this. As a parent, you need to learn how to love yourself. It's a non-negotiable to be your own best friend, to have you in your Heart, to be so connected with your Highest Knowing....That's the best prevention.
Because that's your greatest legacy - and that's the best way in which you can hold space and meet your child where they are at.
If you're stressed, if your mind is noisy, if you are tired - you're in your Head - there is no holding space going on there. It's almost near impossible to hold space for another when you are in your own self-loathing, judgement, doubt, guilt and shame.
Healthy adults are those that can move through uncomfortable spaces within themselves without making it mean anything about themselves. That's what we want our teenagers to grow into.
Depression and anxiety are a result of an uncomfortable space moving within you - and you make it mean something about you - over and over again. There is no capacity to accept that "you are not your thoughts, you are not your emotions, and you are not what happened to you".
A great success story is when your teenager is going through depression and anxiety, and they feel safe with you, such that they open up to you and ask you to help them.
That's a win. You do NOT want your teenager to go to another teenager or get help from social media.
Depression and anxiety are a FAMILY healing process. Not just about the teenager.
Like I said, I'm not a mental health expert, nor am I a psychologist. If your teenager is open to help, reply to me, and I can refer you to someone that I believe is UNBELIEVABLE.
And if you're a parent, and you're waking up to the very idea that's a non-negotiable to love on yourself, and it's time to heal generational patterns, this training is for you.
I wanted to write this newsletter with the intention to emphasise that as a parent, the best gift for our children's well-being and to be the guide that our children need comes down to the Love we have for ourselves.
Your Love for you is the start of everything. Don't compromise on the quality of the Love you have for you.
Sending love,
Yummii xx
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