The 6 unhealthy habits I had to unlearn to have healthy relationships

1. Stonewalling. I loved putting up the walls. It felt safe. It felt secure... and it felt "normal".

It is incredibly unhealthy in relationships.

You cannot be attached to "stonewalling" and have a chance at a healthy relationship.

Healthy relationships require vulnerability. Healthy couples talk things through and share what is going on.

Stonewalling is about power, control, and being a child!

I would stonewall and gaslight in relationships, especially when there was conflict.

I was so flooded... and instead of opening up, I shut down.

2. "I don't need you - take it or leave it" attitude. This is immature - and it is unhealthy.

Mature adults who have healthy relationships talk things through and don't get defensive.

I used to have the attitude of "this is just how I am!"... No... we are NEVER stuck with how we are.

I don't believe in "compromise" and "sacrifice" in relationships - and I believe in communication, empathy, and vulnerability - such that you can always create a win-win.

3. Making their happiness my responsibility. This creates resentment - and this disempowers the other person.

It is the quickest way to feel like a victim and create disconnection.

You become overbearing and suffocating.

The more I did this, the more resentment I had, the more calculative I was, and the more I abandoned myself.

This habit is incredibly destructive in relationships.

You may look like you're the "good guy" and the "martyr"... and really, you're not.

It is an addiction to wanting to be needed, important, wanted, and to feel as though I mattered.

And then getting to be right that I'm not needed, I'm unwanted, and I don't matter.

Vicious, crazy, self-fulfilling, prophecy!

4. Being right and wanting to blame!

One of the hardest promises and the best promise I've ever made John is "I promise to never make you wrong."

The "I am right/ you are wrong game" - is the blame game... and it is the game where there are only losers. No-one wins.

The sooner you can get this and feel it in your cells - you'll know this game of needing to be right, and winning at all costs really doesn't have anyone winning.

Being right about another person - and assuming you know them snuffs out any chance of relating and connecting to each other.

5. Not asking for help

I used to think asking for help was weak. I used to believe depending on someone was desperate, and relying on someone made you hopeless.

Traumatised much?! Yep!

My commitment is that Avery and Brooklyn grow up and know that healthy relationships mean we have a healthy relationship to independence and dependence.

It is healthy to need each other, and you're not "needy".

It is healthy to depend on each other and not have "co-dependency".

It is healthy to ask for help.

It's impossible to have a healthy relationship without complete surrender and safety in knowing; "I am safe in your space, I can depend on you, and you can depend on me.... we have each other's back!".

6. Thinking relationships are about "chemistry".

Yes, "chemistry" is fun - and it's important... and it's unreliable.

The "lust" or that "yearning" and that "craving" for that high - it's all chemical.

"I love you, and I'm not in love with you".... is a prime comment that comes from the symptom of equating Love to be emotional and feeling.

There always comes a point in a relationship where our shadows come up - or our partner's shadows come up....and it's the defining point.

Can we care for each other's pain?

Healthy relationships can care for each other's trauma. Not carry it... care for it.

This is really, really hard!

There are very few people who are so resolved within themselves that they can be a safe space for another without taking it personally or wanting to fix the other.

This takes SO much self-love and wholeness.If you're on Instagram - I'm having an amazing conversation with the inspiring Ken Cervera of Own Your Truth podcast all about what it takes to have healthy relationships.

Check out and tune in via @yummii.nguyen and @ownyourtruth on Instagram!
- Tuesday 2:30pm PST
- Wednesday 9:30am AEDT

PS At the core of all healing generational patterns and breaking cycles.... the measure of the work we do really comes down to creating meaningful and healthy relationships.