The hardest season of our marriage...

[10-minute read. If you want to take your relationship to the next level, this is for you]

John and I've been together for 11 years and 5 months.

We celebrate every month with a card, a kiss and a cuddle with "Happy Anniversary" in the morning, a walk to share a coffee... getting takeaway and sharing the celebration with the boys. 

In the early years of our relationship, it was all about him holding space for me.

I couldn't shake off the experience of the fear that he would cheat on me.

And - it wasn't anything he did... and it had NOTHING to do with him.

Even though I had done A LOT of inner work around relationships, I recognised that there is a huge part of healing that feels like "recovery" and going through withdrawal symptoms.

John held space for me.

There were weeks when I couldn't move from the couch and was wholly debilitated by the emotional energy moving out of my body... and I could feel how addicted I was to it all.

In those early years, I wanted to break up with him ALL THE TIME. My body felt safer being alone than in a healthy relationship. 

I was so scared of relationships... and I wanted to be in control... and I didn't want to get hurt - I was so focused on this potential fear of the future of "he will hurt me"...

I remember he would say to me, "We're going to talk, and we're doing to work this out.... and I'm not going away."

I had to learn how to talk when something was upsetting me. I had to learn how to move through "stonewalling".

I learned to express how I felt, what I needed, what I was afraid of... 

It was really hard....And I would never forget what it felt like to be in a safe space - AND know how to receive it. 

It made me realise that those of us that have an addiction to being unlovable, unsupported, alone or those that have that as our "story" - to unlearn that from our systems, from our "being" is a reckoning!

I had to retrain my body to feel safe in a healthy relationship. 

These days, it's my turn to hold space for him.

And I think this is what needs to be said about relationships.

You're not always going to grow together at the same pace and not at the same time.

There are seasons.

You both go through seasons individually and as a couple.

Last year, we went through the toughest and most challenging season of our relationship.

It was brutal. 

John had received news that his dad had Stage IV Cancer - and during this period, my mother-in-law misunderstood some of John's choices and accused him of certain things.... and then I got pulled into it... and then his family placed a lot of blame on me for choices made. 

There was so much misunderstanding, drama, and made up stories. 

I was a veteran when it came to family drama - and knew how not to take it personally (and not take their stuff on!).

He wasn't.

He went through a really dark time, and it was hard on both of us.

He was withdrawing more and more - and I tended to be more the "coach" than the "wife" or the friend he needed. 

I found it so hard to get through to him.

I was worried that he was taking his stuff out on our children.

I demanded that he rise above whatever was going on - and I didn't realise how hard I was on him.

Holding space for him during this time wasn't easy for me. And it wasn't to do with him. 

There were moments during this time where I couldn't understand how he could feel so defeated... and why he wouldn't speak up or call his family and friends to clear things up.

And then, one day.... in one conversation, everything shifted.

We're doing the Bay walk (a beautiful walk in Sydney)... and I go through the following exercise with him.

Me: "Just for a moment, you're going to pretend I'm a close friend - and we're catching up. I'm not your wife - I'm a really close friend...."

He nods.

Me: "I'm going to ask you questions as a friend would - and I don't want you to hold back and censor yourself... It's a safe space..."

He agreed. 

Me: "Hey! I heard about your dad - sorry to hear about that... How are you doing?"

John: "Yeah, it's hard..."

Me: "What's been hard about it?"

John: "Everything.... "

Me: "Sounds tough. How are you feeling about it all?"

John: "Lonely....Really lonely. "

Me: "How's Yummii in all of this?"

John: "Yeah... I'm feeling unsupported... She doesn't get me..."

Me: "Damn - that's tough... and how about your family? The siblings? How are you guys going through this?"

John: "Nope - I need them right now, and they aren't there either. They hate Yummii, so I can't even talk to them... They disowned her - which meant they disowned me."

Me: "Ok, that's really F'd!"

John: "Yep! All of this is so stupid... and I feel misunderstood...and no-one came to me to ask me anything.. they just made assumptions...."

Me: "Yeah... that would suck!... Sorry, you're going through all of this..."

John: "Me too."

Me: "The people you need aren't there for you, huh?!"

John: "Yeah... I've never felt more alone and judged...."

Me: "You don't want to talk to them about it?"

John: "I have nothing in me at the moment. I'm just surviving."

Me: "What is it that you want to say to them if you could?"

John: "You got me ALL wrong! All of you!... "

Me: "What's the hardest part about all of this for you?"

John: "I'm always feeling I'm never enough.... I'm trying so hard...and it's never enough.....Feeling not enough as a husband, as a father... and not enough as a son, as a brother..... I'm just never enough ....."

And there it is. The wound that's being played out. 

As he said these words, I could feel the pain within him rise. He had tears in his eyes. He choked up. He went silent....

It was the first time he could face the pain.

Pain that he has been suppressing. For decades. 

Here is why it was hard holding space for him - I didn't know that I didn't know this was going on within me.

There is a part of the female psyche that finds it hard to be with the acceptance that men hurt too. It is all to do with conditioning, wiring, and generational patterns of programming that "men" should be a certain way. 

I also had to watch out for the part of my brain that viewed his vulnerability as a threat, weak, or something that shouldn't be there. 

I had no idea that I saw how he was navigating the family drama as "weak" - and I didn't know he had a story of "I'm not enough"....It was actually the first time he shared about this. 

Unconsciously I was judging him in his most vulnerable state - I wanted him to be better... I wanted him to take action... I wanted him to clear things up and talk to his siblings and parents! There was the John I knew - and there was a John that's going through his own Dark Night of the Soul. 

It was in this conversation that I really could feel - he didn't know-how.

He was "frozen" during this whole ordeal. "I'm not enough" was so loud and so crippling.

He was completely hijacked, stuck, paralysed....and helpless. And that was the only reality he could see. It was the only one available to him.

It was as though he was a wounded 4-year-old boy navigating this situation. 

This conversation was a pivotal moment in the season John, and I was navigating. 

So here is what Love looks like.

You don't fix the person.

You don't try and make them feel better.

And you just get their world.

YOU LOVE THEM WHERE THEY ARE AT.

It's SO HARD.

Especially when it's your husband, you want to fix it. You want to suggest ways in which they can move forward. You want to give advice...

However, all of that has more to do with my ego than meeting John where he is at.

I've learnt more about John in the past year than in the 11.5 years we've been together.

I knew he had anxiety - I never knew how deep it was.

He always mentioned that he couldn't remember anything from his childhood, and I knew that was a trauma response.....and it is only now, in our 11.5 years together, that we're finding out more about the trauma he went through.

We discovered he has a disorganised attachment pattern during this time (this is the most destructive pattern in relationships). Defensiveness was his "horseman" of choice. He feels completely hijacked and hopeless when it comes to conflict and would avoid it.

This conversation that I had with John changed everything.

It was the first time I really "got" him and what he was going through.

It was loneliness, misunderstanding, and helplessness that only he could navigate...

I also finally understood what he needed from me - because, until that point, he didn't even know what he needed from me.

This conversation shifted everything in how we moved forward as a couple and had a deeper understanding of each other and our marriage.

One of the biggest revelations about John's upbringing also came to light.

John's Godfather was his mother's first Love. The only reason they broke up was because of social class - this was heartbreaking for her. Her story of "not being good enough" and "unloved" still remains and continues to be played out.

John's mother never loved his father (and John's father knew this, and he was infatuated with her) - and got married because it was a promise she made to her mother (based on religion, culture, and to be the "good daughter").

John's whole upbringing started making sense. 

How he inherited certain thought patterns started making sense.

His disorganised patterns in attachment started making sense.

Why he would numb himself through alcohol - even though he thought he wasn't.

John's father used alcohol to numb his pain; his mother turned to resentment, worry, and enmeshment to numb her pain. 

John was often referred to as the "Golden Child" of the family.

He was the "Golden Child" because his mother was in so much pain and heartache that instead of dealing with a relationship she didn't want to be in - she directed all the unrequited Love into his siblings and him.

The children were her escape. They were her remedy. 

There was so much entanglement, entitlement, and expectation. 

.....And this is why, if you're a parent, loving your children isn't the biggest deciding factor in how they will lead in their adult life.

The most significant deciding factor in how they lead in their adult life is this. 

It's the relationship you have with yourself. How much do you love yourself!

Truly, if you don't heal what hurt you, it will bleed onto those that didn't cut you. 

There was a moment while we're navigating through all of his trauma, and I thought it was too much.

I didn't think I had it in me..... I went through so much with my family already - and also be disowned by his siblings as well - it was drama I didn't want and need.

Through this process was an incredible gift waiting on the other side. A greater understanding of Love:

Love is the capacity in which we can care for our loved one's trauma - Not carrying it....not fixing it... not judging it... and not thinking it shouldn't be there.

"How can I care for your wounds?". 

In my vows with John, we promise to "choose" each other.

I also promise to "never know him" and that during our time together here on Earth during this time/ space - I promised to "discover him" and with him.

This process took "choosing" and "discovery" to an entirely new understanding of our marriage. 

We now understood that "In choosing each other - we're also choosing each other's past, pain, and trauma - and we are choosing to learn and know how to care for it."

I remember when we discussed this out loud to each other - there was this moment of silence. We both stared out into nothing... and the look on our faces said it all. We're in way over our heads. 

We both gasped for air. The enormity of "choosing each other's pain and learning to care for it" was brand new to our awareness. 

John said to me; "I thought choosing was easy and it simply meant supporting you however it's so much more than that....I didn't think it also meant choosing our trauma."

Our understanding of Love expanded. It includes caring for each other's trauma. 

The depth of our connection to one another, the depth of safety, the capacity in which we can receive Love - all have to do with the space we create for each other.

And the quality of that space is directly influenced by the quality of the Love we have for ourselves.

Early in our relationship, I had to train my body to feel safe to be loved.

For now, in our relationship, John's training his body to know that he is enough as he is and that he is worthy of receiving Love.  

It is his time for healing, his time for growth, and his time to meet those parts of him that are reading to rise to the surface to be met and released. 

I'm really proud of how we have navigated this challenge together. It was hard. It was painful.

And consistently returning to Love for myself - Love really is, and always has been the answer. 

There are two greatest gifts you can give your children.

The gift of love for yourself, and the gift of knowing how to Love each other. 

If you're loving yourself less and less each day because of the relationship you're in, something has to shift.

Your children don't want you to suffer... and they will suffer because you're suffering.

If you want to improve your relationship, it starts with loving you.

Then, and only then, are you going to be able to see things for what they are - versus from a lens of who you are. 

Sending love,

Yummii xx

PS If you're ready to return home to you, so your relationships can flourish, I can help. Reply to this email and let's connect. 

It's the greatest gift you can give your children.