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Hello beautiful soul!
Power lives in all our emotions. The definition of "power" is: the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behaviour of others or the course of events.
To really demonstrate to you generational wounds and the power of inherited patterns and emotions... I want to share with you the following story.
It will highlight the power of "resentment".
Resentment is this debilitating energy that can be incredibly addictive - and just like any addiction, it causes decay within.
The best way to see resentment is "drinking the poison, hoping the other person dies".
And resentment isn't "simple".
Here is how it plays out as a "generational wound".
"I really loved him. The whole town knew how much we loved each other". She shared with me...
"But we couldn't be together because I was poor - and his father said he would be disowned if he chose me." She continued.
"He chose to escape Vietnam and he left me."
This is how her story goes... "A few months later, I met my now-husband... and I was still heartbroken. We too escaped Vietnam... and you wouldn't believe it... When we arrived in Australia, guess who I saw? - My ex.
Everyone knew that our love was meant to be... however still we couldn't be together.. because I was now married.
I have always believed in our fate... and it's just really sad.
My ex is the God-father of my eldest son."
This isn't a happy ending story.
It's actually really really sad.
This woman stayed with her husband for over 40 years. They are still together (but not really).
Those years were filled with regret - and resentment.
As an outsider, you might say; "Why didn't she leave, or why would you do that to yourself?" I can't answer that.
She shared with me how she tried to escape and end the marriage when the children were young.
She had packed their bags and was ready to leave. However, she couldn't go through with it.
The cost isn't just on her. It's on her children.
One of her children is a female - and struggles in relationships. It's not a surprise.
ALL she knows about relationships is how painful and hurtful it is as she witnesses her mother. And herein lies "generational wounding". This is the "power" of resentment. You pass it on.
You see - when you are so filled with resentment - you can't contain it just within yourself.
You unconsciously want others to carry it too... I mean - it's really no different to any heightened emotion.
For Eg when you're in joy you want to share it... and when you're in anger, you want someone to be at the receiving end of it... No different with resentment.
Because this woman was in so much pain within her own life, she was unaware of how she was bleeding this pain onto her children.
Especially her own daughter.
And like any "good" daughter, you want to help your mother.. and you want to support your mother. Especially when they are in pain. She just didn't realise that in supporting her mother, she was unconsciously choosing to carry on resentment that wasn't even hers.
Because of this, she is unconsciously "unworthy" and has no conscious relationship to being able to be open to a relationship.
No matter what internal work she does - until she can recognise this pattern of carrying her mother's resentment... she is stuck.
Her mother's heartbreak isn't hers to own - and she has unconsciously taken it on as her own.
This is how the generational pattern is passed down.
The daughter will either never be in a healthy relationship OR when she is in one, highly sensitive to being let down, addicted to not feeling loved, and not trusting of it (unless of course, she is aware of this pattern and unlearns the impact.)
This woman also has two sons.
Now - her unresolved heartbreak caused her to transfer this "unrequited love" over to her sons.
This also meant - that she unconsciously is always playing out the pattern of "choose me or your wife".
And it's all unconscious.
Her sons are now playing out the role of her ex.
The sons will never win - and no matter what Love they give her, it'll never be enough.
For her sons, the generational wounding is so obvious.
Each son has the underlying pattern of: "Nothing I ever do is enough or right. I am always doing something wrong and not good enough... and you're misunderstanding me."
One of them has anger issues.
And the other, he doesn't communicate and can't ask for what he wants or voice what matters to him.
Both play the victim card!
Once again, generational wounding.
I don't know how this woman's story will end.
What I do know is that if nothing changes, it is predictable that she will continue to have "being heartbroken" as an identity that she has carried and lived from for over 40 years.
The more time she spends on this identity - the harder it is to break.
This is why when adult children grow up and have their own families... and they want their parents to be happy - it's really hard for their parents. Their parents have been so addicted to that misery that if they are not their misery, they don't feel like "themselves".
If you don't heal what hurt you, you will truly bleed on everyone that didn't cut you.
AND this is exactly what happened within this family.
This isn't an isolated case....and the old paradigm of living from Dogma has to shift.
What I know to be true is this.
If you really want to give your children the best of life, start living true to yourself.
Start being in love with your life.
Give reverence to this gift that is called life.
The cost of your self-sacrifice, the cost of your self-betrayal, the cost of your lack of courage to live a life worthy of joy, love, and ease - extends beyond you.
It bleeds into your children, and generations to come.
That's not a healthy inheritance to pass on.
Now, the answer isn't simply "Oh I'll leave my marriage" or "Screw everyone, I'm going to do what I want."
That's just more trauma playing out.
Start taking ownership of your own stuff. It just starts there.
Take ownership of your heartbreak. Take ownership of where you have been hurt. Take ownership of your healing.
Because no one else can do it for you.
It is not a mystery why relationships end and relationships don't work out or they are testing.
Figure out the patterns you inherited. Figure out what is yours and what is not. You'll find that MOST of what you learnt about relationships IS NOT YOURS.
Sending love,
Yummii xx
PS I have a saying to both the boys when I'm in a mood or not my best and unconsciously take it out on them.
I ALWAYS say - "This is MY stuff... NOT yours. My bucket is empty, my mind is cloudy and I'm not listening to my heart. I'm sorry...It's not yours."
It is the best practice for not only your children - but also your partner/ spouse.
That's what it means to truly Love another. Stop bleeding on the ones that didn't cut us.
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