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There are defining moments in parenting - where you're initiated into rewriting history and creating legacy.
These moments are both healing the past and creating the future.
Last night... Avery asked me, "What is a girlfriend?"
I asked him, "What do you think a girlfriend is?"
He said, "Someone you really love... and then you hang out together?"
I didn't respond... I wanted to hear what else he had to say....
"So... what happens if I love someone and they don't love me?..... Or if they love me and I don't love them?...."
I was honestly surprised by this question - and I'm glad he asked it.
I shared with him a story about a boyfriend I had when I was 15.
It was my first love - and it was on-and-off for 6 years....and well..we were two broken people who had NO idea what healthy was....
I shared that in that situation, I liked the person more than they liked me... and it was really unhealthy, and it was unkind to myself to be in a relationship like that.... and I wish someone would have told me to love myself enough to only be in relationships where the other person values you.
To which he asked.... "So why did you stay?.... Was it because he was good-looking?"
I laughed!
I have no idea where that came from because we are so conscious NOT to talk about looks... and it was pretty funny that he pointed that out...(because it was somewhat true)...!
"So.... you liked this boy because he was good-looking??" He asked.
I was thinking back to that version of me at 16.
Yep - she was shallow.
She wanted significance and meaning by dating someone that she thought was cool. The appeal of going out with the "bad boy" meant street cred!... or, rather, some warped sense of belonging. It was a case of looking for Love in the wrong place.
"Yeah... I didn't make the best choice, sweetheart...and I wish someone sat with me to help me know what's good for me and what isn't..."
"Why didn't you tell your parents so you could get help?" He asked.
"I didn't tell my parents I had a boyfriend because I wasn't allowed to have one....I did it behind their back". I responded.
"Do you think someone will love me?" He looked at me with the most sincere eyes.
"Oh honey - I want you to know that your Heart is so magical..and I love the way you love... and there will be someone that Loves you....and before that.. you know what I'm going to say, right?"
"Yeah.. you always say it... I have to love me first." Then he rolled his eyes and did the little shake with his head!
We started laughing.
"So when can I have a girlfriend?"
"When do you think you can?"
"...Hhhhmmmm well X at school said we can have a girlfriend when we are in Class 4!"
"Do you think that's reasonable?"
"NO!...I don't want a girlfriend then....... I think you need to be at least in Class 11 or 12! Do I have to have a girlfriend then?"
"Absolutely not.... and I think Class 12 at the earliest is great!.. If you had a girlfriend, would you tell me about it?"
"Do I have to?"
"Yeah... I would like you too! I feel it's important so Mummy and Daddy can support you...and... you're soo right with Class 12 at the earliest... and it can be after! I wish I could have gone to my parents to share with them what was happening..... that would have really helped me."
There was so much healing for me in this conversation - and I could genuinely feel that in our family, we have created a brand new future and broken generational patterns.
My parents never sat down and talked about relationships. I lived in a world where we had family secrets, skeletons in the closet, and elephants in the room.
I was never taught how to create connection or how to repair in relationships - and this is the building block for healthy relationships as an adult.
Your quality of life is directly correlated to the quality of your relationships.
To contribute and influence our sons and who they are going to be in their relationships, and know that I'm raising a boy into a man - that's a gift of healing from them to me.
I felt so much gratitude for how much he trusted me to open up in this way - to share his thoughts, his views and what he observes...
I was conscious not to tell him what to do - and rather share with him what I learnt and what I wish I did better.
So what's the secret? How do we get our children to open up and trust our influence?
Connection. It's earnt.
And it's the hardest thing you'll do and maintain during your journey of being a parent.
Why? Because it has everything to do with connecting to your Heart. (You cannot think, intellectualize, rationalise, and analyse your way to connection....!)
Connection is the currency of influence.
The more connection, the greater the influence.
And the more connected you are with your Heart, the greater your ability to create connection with your children and those around you.
Breaking generational patterns in your family is the journey of making "connection" the primary focus in all the relationships that matter to you.
On a scale 1-10, how connected do you feel to your children?
On a scale 1-10, how much do you invest in creating connection in your family?
At the core of connection, our children are experiencing this:
"I feel you see me, value me, understand me... and accept me for everything I am... and everything I'm not.... and around you, I feel safe to be me. I'm allowed to be me... and being me... is enough."
I am so passionate about raising boys into men... and influencing both Avery and Brooklyn, together with John, such that they have healthy behaviours and know how to communicate in their relationships.
The reason we have dysfunction in our relationships is not because we want to be this way - it's because we aren't empowered and enabled. No one taught us, and we lacked healthy role models to guide us.
We change the world with healthy relationships.
We change the world when we know how to love and care for each other.
And we change the world when connection is our primary focus in all our relationships.
More importantly - we change the way our children perceive the world and their value, belonging, and worthiness in it - when they feel deeply connected. That is priceless.
Sending love,
Yummii xx
PS From your scores above, what would make it 1 point more?
And if you're interested in healing generational patterns and breaking cycles, and want to find out more on how to work with me, click here.
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