What is the antidote to Fear?

Uncategorized Jul 22, 2019

I was eight weeks pregnant and was having a play date with a close friend of mine. There is this "rule" about not sharing about your pregnancy until it is at least 12 weeks, and all is well.

My friend was asking us about our plans for a second child - and I had to "pretend" that I wasn't pregnant. It was uncomfortable. I felt I was contractive - and I felt like I had to hide something I was excited about.

Before Avery, some of you who have been following The Motherhood Mindset are aware that I had two miscarriages. I have always been open about them as I wanted to raise awareness around miscarriages AND reduce the shame/ guilt surrounding having a miscarriage.

I remember when we "shared" about the miscarriages; no-one knew how to respond. 

Rarely are we ever taught how to effectively create space on "how to be" with another's disappointment or sadness - because we don't know how to sit with our own.

When a close friend or family member shares about a challenge - there is a tendency to "fix it". A desire to make the other person "feel better" - when what they need is a space of acceptance for what is.... and equally, when we go through challenges - not many of us know how to share our vulnerability and be empowered by it. We often brush it off, try and be stronger, or not want to "burden" another with our grief - and yet, the way to healing or being liberated from the misery, is precisely the opposite.

So here I was in this "space". I didn't want to have the conversations around miscarriage like the ones I had before - which were mainly trying to make other's less uncomfortable for me and that they had to "fix" something ...AND I felt I was hiding something that I was proud off - expecting our 2nd child...just in case we had a miscarriage.

I shared about how "contracted" I felt with John and another close friend.... and I thought, "how bizarre is it that there is this unspoken rule to not share about a pregnancy until it is more than 12 weeks?... and then there is a movement to make miscarriage less taboo to take away the shame and the guilt?!....".

The two are conflicting as most miscarriages happen before the 12 weeks AND are rarely spoken about or shared. 

We generally find out we are pregnant at around the 6-8 week mark... so for 6-8 weeks of your life, you have to live a double life?!

When I went through the miscarriages and shared it openly - I intended to create a sense of acceptance for myself and to let go of any guilt or shame. 

My close friend, who is also a coach shared this piece of advice; "You know, when I was pregnant, I just shared it with everyone. I found it weird to hide it or lie about it - life was just easier being honest!".

I loved that piece of advice. 

Here's the other thing I want to share about being pregnant this time: I was consumed with fear. Fearful that I would have another miscarriage. Afraid that there will be something wrong with the baby. Fearful of hope. Fearful that life doesn't go my way.

...The antidote to Fear - Love. 

Fear is all about the past and the future. Love is about the present.

So here's what I took on from 8 weeks into the pregnancy and why I shared about being pregnant so early on:

I'm celebrating every moment that the baby was with me. I'm bringing gratitude to each day I am pregnant - and I wanted our baby to know I was grateful.

If the baby decides that it isn't meant to be, I will allow myself to deal with it then.. and not be afraid of the disappointment. Instead know that disappointment or grief is something that creates depth within us should it enter into my heart. 

This pregnancy has been a lot more challenging physically. The nauseousness and the tiredness is something new. It reminds me of one of the most powerful lessons in Motherhood - that we are continually learning. And that's a beautiful thing.

To be open to learning allows us to be present to "what is" right now. We are not yearning for a past or longing for a future. We are not avoiding a particular history repeating itself in the future.

When we can create a practice to celebrate and be grateful for the present, we meet the present moment with grace.

Sometimes grace can look messy. Sometimes grace can be allowing ourselves to lean into the disappointment. Sometimes grace is all about acceptance for the season we are in.

So beautiful soul, if there is Fear in your heart, I invite you to meet it with Love. 

You can choose to be afraid of disappointment. You can choose to honour your fearful thoughts about the future.... and you will be creating a cage around your heart.

OR

You can choose to bring love to your disappointment if you are facing it. You can choose to bring love to life for where it is right now.... and you will be liberating your heart. 

I send you love. I send you hope. I send you the courage to be grateful for what is, right now.

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