What's your biggest struggle in parenting?

"What's your biggest struggle in parenting?" I asked my client.

He pauses. He looks down - then looks up at me.

"That we have a teenager and that we're not prepared to do what is needed to parent him. We have trouble reaching him."

"What's your wife's biggest struggle in parenting?" I asked

"Her disconnection with him. There is no connection. And she can't stand him." He answers.

"When was the last time you both sat down and spent time talking about parenting?".

The father paused. Took a breath. 

"I actually can't remember. I mean, we talk about it - however, not in-depth. And we mostly complain to each other.... and yeah, I realise we just haven't made an effort."

"When was the last time you felt delighted in your son?" I asked

"5 - I remember it so clearly. We loved him so much and found so much delight before the age of 5... and ever since then, it's been horrible. We felt we lost him at such a young age."

"What's your view on him?"

"He is just a teenager. He is lazy. Selfish... I just don't understand it. He doesn't take pride in who he is. He just plays video games. Doesn't care about anyone." he responded.

This story isn't uncommon.

It's predictable - and so many parents think that their parenting challenges are about fixing the behaviour of their children.

I get it - it's always easier to think it's about your child's behaviour than it is to take ownership of what is needed to meet your children where they are at.

The great news for my client is that it's never too late - and I knew the exact source of the problem. 

It isn't a mystery when teenagers "tune-out". 

It isn't a mystery when young children are challenging.

Here's what I truly invite you to consider.

Your child doesn't want to be bad.

Your toddler isn't a monster.

Your 6-year-old isn't being defiant for the sake of being disobedient. 

Your teenager isn't lazy. 

They are hurting, struggling, feeling alone, lost, and have no idea how to navigate this feeling of disconnection. 

The remedy: "connection".

20:1 is the magic ratio to cultivate connection.

20 positive, connecting actions and exchanges for every 1 interaction of disconnection and negative exchange.

Remembering this ratio will alter your parenting. 

We're constantly interacting with our child.

Our interactions are either positive, neutral, or negative.

As the years go by, it's easy for our interactions to be "transactional".

So many parents "do" stuff for their children versus "connect" with their children. And this is when the breakdown in the relationship starts.

With 20:1 - this is the ratio needed for a child to neurologically hardwire into their nervous system and their brain that the world is safe, that they are loved, and that they matter.

This isn't about being a perfect parent....and if you are judging yourself and feeling guilty - My invitation is for you to let that go. 

When we know better, we can do better. 

As a parent - we will falter. We will make mistakes. AND this is important for our child to witness - because they want to observe how we embrace our humanity. 

Awareness is powerful. With awareness, we now have power. 

The 20 positive interactions aren't complicated, nor do they take a lot of time.

We are ALWAYS interacting with our child - with the 20:1 ratio, we can now choose to be more conscious of how we interact with them.

A child's love tank is small and can be emptied easily. It can also be filled up really easily.

A cuddle. A kiss. A note.

The words "I love playing with you", "I am so grateful to be your mum", "I am so sorry I overreacted".

Spending time painting. Spending time reading together. Watching a movie.

All of these are positive interactions and exchanges. (And it's vital that these are catered to your child's love language).

The love tank needs to be full and overflowing so that your child can feel safe to connect to you - and be vulnerable. 

The teenager in the story above is deeply misunderstood. If his love tank was full, he wouldn't be running away from his emotions through video games and having to feel guarded by being selfish or being lazy. 

After some further enquiry, I also found this teenager was being bullied and teased at school. The issue was the father didn't realise how deep his son would have been hurting - AND the son didn't feel safe to share about the experience as it would bring up "shame".

This teenager is emotionally flooded and hijacked. He feels alone. He feels unworthy. He feels stuck. 

You may think, oh, this is a teenager you can understand that - however, what about a 5-year-old?

Same thing.

If a 5-year-old feels ashamed and needs your help yet feels disconnected from their parents, they will act out.

They aren't acting out because they want to - they are acting out because the energy of shame, hurt, and the pain feels so incredibly uncomfortable they don't know what to do and who to turn to. 

As parents, we take for granted what is needed to create connection and emotional safety with our children. We feel "entitled" to their deepest darkest secrets - and expect that they will come to us when they have challenges.

It is a privilege for a parent when a child trusts the parent with their shame, their guilt, their pain, their suffering. 

That privilege is earned. 

No different for our romantic relationships and our friendships.

If we don't feel safe in our romantic relationships - we aren't going to ask for what we need, we aren't going to share that we're hurting, and we won't know how to navigate conflict - so we will distract ourselves and shy away from it.

The experience of disconnection doesn't discriminate based on your age. One is not immune to the impact of feeling disconnection the lower the number of revolutions around the sun. 

We're human beings. We're wired for connection at every age.

The HARDEST part of all of this, the most challenging part of being guided by 20:1..... is your cup needs to be overflowing. 

Because if you're running on empty - it is near impossible to do 20:1. 

When we are overflowing, our interactions and exchanges with our loved ones carry an energy of love and connection. We feel the joy, and we feel the delight in our child. 

When we are stressed, running on empty, and self-sacrificing or in survival - our interactions and exchanges are transactional, reactive, or filled with resentment, blame, and obligation. We feel alone, unsupported, and that no-one cares. 

So... Scale 1-10; how full is your cup?

10 being full, 1 being empty.

What would make it 1 point more? What would make it 2 points more?

What is needed for a full and over-flowing cup?

Because... connection with your child starts with understanding your connection to yourself. 

The capacity, as a parent, to which we can empathise and tune into our child's world is directly correlated to how overflowing and expansive we feel within.

Fill your cup. Love on you. Give from the overflow.

20:1.