What's your relationship to conflict?
Hello beautiful soul!
Growing up, my mother and father were always fighting. There was yelling, screaming, hitting, crying - lots of crying.
I had so many memories of my brother and me frightened and frozen around the chaos and mum holding us while crying because dad was screaming at her.
All I knew growing up about relationships was that it was hard, it was not worth it, and conflict is scary.
From this, I developed a habit called "Stonewalling". It was my coping mechanism.
Dr John Gottman did the most comprehensive study on marriages and relationships, and he could predict with over 90% accuracy whether couples stayed together or not based on an hour with them (or less) and observing how they navigated conflicted.
He said, when any one of the Four Horseman showed up in a relationship - he knew he wouldn't last. Stonewalling was one of the horsemen.
I read his book after my first marriage had ended.
Until this point, I had done all the transformational courses, I was a leadership coach, I had started companies, I was leading teams, and I had NO idea how to navigate conflict in my intimate relationships.
The only strategy I knew was to put a wall up. Stonewalling is precisely that. Building a Great War of China between myself and the other, so I don't get hurt - and I want to hurt them before they can hurt me.
I did this in every close relationship I had. Friendships. Romantic Relationships. Any relationship that mattered. I wouldn't let anyone close and if there were any signs of conflict, "I'm outta here!" was the default course of action.
I would cut people off. It works - until you realise it really doesn't.
I discovered that my conflict model was based on a 9-year-old little girl watching her parents fight, and she developed a coping mechanism based on that experience.
However, your 9-year-old self should never be running the show in your adult relationships, especially NOT in your marriage or parenting.
Since my divorce, I have healed my relationship to conflict.
Conflict is now something that I see as an opportunity for more intimacy and connection, and without it, we can't deepen our relationships.
I healed my habit of Stonewalling - because I realised, Stonewalling doesn't serve my relationships.
Everything is a bid for connection - especially conflict. When we are in conflict with another, we are hurting, they are hurting, and it really is the journey of opening up and saying, "Can we heal our hurt together?"
When we are in conflict, what we are seeking is; "Can I trust that you can love me through this pain - and can you hold my hurt?"
However, most of us see conflict as a win/lose, you against me, I'm right - you're wrong, and I need to protect myself at all cost.
And it is this disempowering relationship to conflict that causes even more disconnection in our relationships.
So.... "Should we argue in front of the kids?".
As children, we may have witnessed that when there is conflict, Love is compromised, and we think we shouldn't argue in front of the kids. However, it's not the arguing in front of the kids that's the issue.
.....And Love isn't compromised because of conflict.
It was compromised before the conflict. The conflict is a reflection of the fractures that are in the relationship.
I think a better question to ask is; "How do we guide our children to know that you can lovingly, honourably, and respectfully have differences and there is no love lost?"
When we think about conflict and our relationship to it - the way we behave is directly correlated to the Fear of a Loss of Love. The irony is what we fear most is what happens based on how we show up in conflict.
What you resist persists.
Parents fear that their children don't get along and are always fighting.
Couples fear that they are becoming more disconnected and growing apart.
You fear that you're becoming more lonely or misunderstood in your marriage.
Or that you're trying so hard and keep getting shut down and shut out by those around you.
And so now, what you Fear most, is what is coming into your reality.
It's easy to Love when things are flowing.
The mastery is choosing Love - when there is friction.
Especially when there are differences.
Love isn't selective nor does it discriminate on when it should or shouldn't show up.
We make it selective... and we discriminate.
What I know to be truth is this.
Everything, including conflict, is Love seeking to be realised.
And when there is conflict, there is only one thing that can diffuse the conflict.
Connection.
....and connection is Love.
My invitation is for you to reflect on your relationship with conflict. Is it empowering? Do you see it as an opportunity for more Love?
If conflict is something you struggle with - I ran a powerful Masterclass on How to Navigate conflict yesterday. The replay will be ready by Friday.
Reply to this email to pre-purchase the replay for $27 (3 additional bonus Masterclasses are included!).
This masterclass will shift your relationship to conflict - for the better. And to create more Love.
Sending Love,
Yummii xx
PS As a Mastermind member, you get access to ALL my programs and masterclasses. This includes a current library of modules on Reparenting, Healing the Inner Child, Understanding Fear - it really is a PhD on Love (there is nothing else out there like it!).
If you are interested in mastering living from Love over Fear, heal unhealthy generational patterns around Love - this is what we do in my Mastermind.
I heal families.
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