Here in Australia, today is Anzac Day. It is a remembrance day to commemorate all Australians and New Zealanders who have served in wars.
It got me thinking about war. As a human being, we all "know" war is horrible. It is painful to read about it or watch it on the news - it is the manifestation of human beings so filled with pain and suffering. At the core of it, it's not a mystery. Hurt people, hurt people.
Fighting a war with another war - doesn't work.
War is the manifestation of collective Fear. We may think that war is limited to only politics.
Consider, there is a temptation for a war to break open 80,000 times a day - and that war is very close to home? That war... is within us.
As a human being, we have up to 80,000 thoughts. Most of these "thoughts" are predominantly fear-based.
Now... to fight a war, with another war; or rather fight fear, with fear - the result is futile.
We "consciously know" that the only productive way to "settle" or "dissolve" the war - is through peace - a conduit of Love.
...When you are at a "low point"; are you compassionate with yourself or do you judge yourself?
Compassion = Love.
Judgement = Fear.
When you have made a mistake and you're feeling unworthy; do you reach out for connection or do you suppress/ defend/ justify to 'numb' that pain?
Connection = Love.
Suppress/ Defend/ Justify = Fear.
...Let's get a little more real. When you are stressed, feeling overwhelmed, can't say "No"; do you make time to stop, listen, and give yourself space to slow down - or do you charge forward and keep pushing through?
Listening, space, breathing = Love.
Charging forward, pushing through = Fear.
What does this have to do with Motherhood? Everything.
Most of us are taught to "deny" or "conquer" Fear. We don't know how to pause and "understand" it. We are ill-equipped to feel it in our bodies and bring compassion to it. In fact, we condemn, judge, and suppress it so much that it continues to live and manifest itself in our lives. We run away from Fear. We avoid Fear. We plummet Fear with even more Fear.
Nothing highlights the Fear that lives within you like parenting. Your marriage or partnership may bring out some of the Fears; parenting - well that opens the flood gates.
Here is what is key - HURT PEOPLE, hurt people. AND THEY DON'T KNOW THEY ARE HURTING PEOPLE.
They have no idea. This means - that it is possible to hurt the people that matter most to us without knowing or having any consciousness that we are doing so.
We all operate from our own reality. If our own internal reality is Fear based; it is all we know.
When your child triggers you - they are triggering the part of you that you feel is unlovable. The part that you judge. The part that got wounded when you were a child. It is that part that was programmed at a very young age (probably before 7 years old) that it is "broken".
Fact is; your child doesn't want to trigger you nor are they actively thinking; "Let's do something to upset my parents!".
I want you to imagine something. Bring yourself back to a time when you're sooo angry with your partner or spouse. SO ANGRY! Like fuming. You want to throw plates at them kind of fuming!
If they met your pain, with more pain .. Would that help the situation? They meet your anger with anger. They meet your anger with being defensive or justification. What would the outcome be? That's war meeting war.
Now try this on. You're sitting on the couch, arms crossed, breathing heavy. Your walls are up. You are ANGRY!. They come over and hug you. They hug you so tight and say; "I'm so sorry we are like this". War meets Love.
You push them away. They lean in more. They hold you even tighter.
Then they say; "Be angry. I love you even more. I'm here." War meets even more Love.
What is the war within you like now? Is it still raging? Or moment by moment it melts - and your heart softens?
LOVE HEALS ALL. This isn't "fluffy". This isn't about feeling good. It is knowing that both Fear and Love lives within us. To heal the Fear, meet it with Love.
Now, imagine another situation. Your newborn is crying. Your toddler is raging. Your near teenager is MAD!... What do you choose to do?
- Can you choose to create space and just be? Do you have the capacity to surrender to their Fear with Love? Because to be loved at our worst, is what we all long for. That's courage. That's true power.
Next time, you're feeling sad, angry, disappointed, upset, mad. I invite you to sit with it. Talk to it. It is when you judge it or try to "be positive"; that it now hijacks your experience of life. OR I invite you to reach out to someone you deeply trust that can "sit" with your experience of life where they are NOT trying to fix you or making you feel better. In their presence you feel seen, you feel heard, you feel whole.
Even though, you're hurting. You. FEEL. WHOLE.
It is possible to feel anger and disappointment - and be compassionate to yourself. It is when you are not compassionate that you make your anger and disappointment someone else's responsibility to solve.
When you understand how to do this within yourself; when you start "embracing your humanity" - you can embrace the humanity that lives in your child, that is within your partner/ spouse - that is within all of us.
Then - do you think it's even possible to have "another's judgement" impact your life? Or how are you going to be when there is a challenge? Do you blame and criticise or would you see it from a different perspective? You will have an innate awareness that "hurt people, hurt people". And you will see it with Love.
Make peace with the following; as a parent or expectant parent, for the rest of our lives, each day will present an opportunity to "exercise" the muscle of Love. Sometimes we will get it terribly wrong - Forgive yourself. Bring compassion. Try again. Other days, we are flying high! Celebrate it. Allow the Love to permeate all of your being.
Today, I send you so much love. My hope is that ALL your cells, receive it.