Why it's hard to feel loved as a strong independent woman

Hello beautiful soul!

Last week I shared about “How to feel loved...”. It received such an incredible response. 

I want to continue on this exploration.

To understand Love, we must first understand what Love isn’t and the barriers to Love.

I know there are both fathers and mothers here in this community.

This week - I’m going to focus on one of the BIGGEST barriers to feeling loved.

“The archetype of the strong independent woman”.

If you’re married to one or in a relationship with one - or you are one... you’ll recognise this archetype.

She always has it together.

The armour is always on - and ready to battle the day. She has it all handled... and there are rarely moments of any falter, vulnerability - and what she calls vulnerability isn’t even clear. 

She has this “strong” persona. 

So let’s begin this exploration...

• Firstly, do you define yourself as a strong independent woman?
• Do you pride yourself on being independent?
• Do you feel like you don’t need anyone?
• If you were to “need” someone, it is weak?
• Do you find it hard to ask for help?
• Do you think being needy is desperate? ….and is the idea of being dependent on anyone absolutely crazy?

If you answered “yes” to at least 3 of the above - you’d find it hard to really feel loved and let it in.

You won’t trust it. It’s very fleeting.

To feel loved, to receive it requires surrender and vulnerability.

When we are attached and define ourselves as a “strong independent woman”, - there is an identity that creates such rigidity that we’re unable to discern between a healthy state of independence and a healthy state of dependence.

Extreme independence is a survival mechanism… a reaction of what we thought we had to be to survive moments of rejection, abandonment, misunderstanding, and moments where we needed someone, and they weren’t there.

Independence is healthy. So is dependence.

YES - SO IS DEPENDING ON ANOTHER.

If you have this archetype of a “strong independent woman” and it’s from a place of trauma - reading that above line has potentially triggered you, lost your attention, or created a reaction.

Because you have an unconscious wiring of “there’s no way in hell I’ll ever show anyone how much I need them...”

Without a healthy discernment and healthy relationship to independence and dependency - a strong independent woman won’t let love in, will find it hard to trust Love - and the idea of being on her own is more appealing and safer than needing to depend on another.

The pattern is a self-fulfilling prophecy hidden behind an armour that’s protecting a really, really hurt Heart.

The Heart is hardened.. not because she wants it that way… it is because that’s the only way she knows.

If you’re a strong independent mother, struggling with feeling loved…. You’re probably doing so much and seething with resentment.

And SO disgusted at those around you and their inability to have any appreciation, gratitude, awareness… and really deep down, it’s incredibly frustrating.

It’s so easy to blame… and I get it…

Let’s get back to the aim. “How to feel Loved”.

If being able to feel loved is the end game…. The behaviours of a strong independent woman (where independence is a reaction based on trauma) that hinders this needs to be made conscious.

I invite you to imagine for a moment….

Imagine your partner. I get it - you’re feeling that they aren’t pulling their weight....and that they are weak... I get it… and for a moment, just suspend your judgement.

Imagine your partner….

1. On a Scale 1-10 - how adequate do they feel around you? (10 being really adequate, 1 being inadequate)

2. On a Scale 1-10 - how full is their love tank? (10 being full, 1 being empty)

3. On a Scale 1-10 - how seen, heard, and understood do they feel by you? (10 being fully seen/ heard/ understood and 1 being absolutely unseen, unheard, and understood).

My intention with this exercise is this.

If 1 person in the relationship feels unloved by the other - it isn’t just you. It’s both.

If you feel unloved by your child, they too, feel unloved by you.

So often, we think it’s only us.

So often, we are soooo caught up in our demise of being unseen, unheard, and unappreciated we forget that a relationship takes two.

So where to now?

There are patterns that are unique to each person’s trauma… and there is no one size fits all solution.

The very first step is to take ownership of your patterns.

To make conscious the patterns, the actions, the thoughts, the emotions that you have which hinder your experience of receiving love.

What you’ll find is when you discover these patterns, they are addictive behaviours that have you be “right” about your story.

Without knowing your unique situation (and if I did, I could recognise patterns really well!) - here are some common patterns that hinder the experience of being loved:

• Being controlling
• Being rigid
• Running your relationships like a project with an outcome (e.g. if you’re a parent, you’re obsessed with consequences, punishment, discipline that’s unhealthy)
• Being an unsafe space (even though you think you are… you’re conditional about when you’re safe - and you’re not safe when it’s most needed)
• Using your head, being logical, intellectual, and analytical in your relationships
• Being a perfectionist
• You’re constantly trying to fix everyone around you... There’s something to improve about them... and something they “should” do or “know better.”

Until you can know how to trust yourself to trust your Heart - and be open to both being independent and dependent - it’s tough to be in a relationship with you…. If you were in a relationship with yourself - you’d find it cold (just hear your self-talk and how hard you are on yourself).

If you’re a mother, and you have daughters - yes - do teach them independence… and show them that dependency is healthy. “You don’t need anyone” attitude is a sure way to lead someone down the path of loneliness.

And if you’re a mother, and you have sons - yes - do show them that being an independent woman is empowering…. AND that a woman who is also able to show her needs from a place of vulnerability is courageous….and this isn’t something they need to be afraid of.

….

Lastly. If you’re in a relationship and struggling to feel loved …..If you’re in any way acting like a mother instead of a partner - and you’re even joking around as though “yeah I have X number of children including my husband!” - you might be joking… it might be funny… and your heart hurts… So does theirs.

You’re their partner. Not their mother.

Stop mothering them… because you’re addicted to them needing you. It feels safer when they need you ... because you’re trying to hide the very thing you’re ashamed about. You need them. You REALLY need them.

That’s a pattern that will cost you feeling loved.

Want to get clarity on your patterns? Reach out and reply to this email.

I have 3 available spaces for this specific exploration. 

Sending love, Yummii xx

PS Independence is beautiful. So is dependency. When you can be in harmony with both independence and dependency - that’s when you’ll feel loved.

PPS... Want to know the crazy thing?.... The moment you can admit how needy you are.. without feeling any shame... that’s the moment you’ll be free.

Being needy isn’t shameful. Your story about “needing another” is what creates the shame.

Your judgement on being needy is the thing that’s holding you back from the very thing that you need - and want.